GALLERY: Click the image above to view more photos from ‘Dancing with the Stars’ season 13.

Tuesday’s elimination night follows the traditionally most depressing night of the season, when contestants tell tragic stories about their lives. Who is the least tragic? We’ll find out tonight, because someone didn’t score enough sympathy votes.

Mary J. Blige immediately performs, which makes us think she’s not that important to “DWTS,” but it turns out she’ll perform again later in the show, so really, she’s extra important.

As far as the actual show, Ricki Lake and Derek are in the lead with 27 points, and Chaz Bono and Lacey are dead last with 18. Hopefully, the voting public knew that Cher hinted (via Twitter, no less) that she’ll attend a taping if Chaz is still around next week. If they knew, that could change things.

Chaz has recovered slightly from his knee injury, though the judges weren’t as impressed; even when Chaz boasts it was his best score yet, his partner Lacey points out that his other scores weren’t so far off. Ricki and Derek wowed everyone, and J.R. Martinez and Karina brought themselves and audience members to tears during their tragic (though very skilled) tribute to members of the military.

So how did they fare?

Tom Bergeron and Brooke Burke Charvet both start the reading the results at the same time and it turns out it was Tom’s mistake! Oh, Tom. Even when he flubs a line during a live show, he’s so charming. Anyway:

J.R. and Karina are safe!

Ricki and Derek are safe!

That must mean Chaz and Lacey are…safe!

Our immediate questions: How shocked did the increasingly disillusioned Lacey look there? And more importantly, is Cher is making plans to attend next week’s taping, or hastily deleting her tweet? (Turns out, Cher’s sticking to her word, tweeting, “Yeah CHAZ! Looks like I’ll b in the Audience next Week Lovelies!”)

Chynna Phillips and Tony win the coveted “repeat dance” award (she did dance to her own song, after all), and then it’s right back into the results.

Nancy Grace gracefully twirled around with Tristan and impressed her three-year-old twins. Hope Solo’s backless back dress displeased Len, and Carrie Ann told her to be more feminine, but they still gave her and Maks good scores. Carson Kressley even improved slightly with Anna, proving his dancing skills are not a sham. Rob Kardashian and Cheryl proved themselves to the judges, and also to Rob’s sister Kim Kardashian, who looked more like wax figure than usual in the audience.

Rob and Cheryl are safe!

Carson and Anna are in jeopardy.

Nancy and Tristan are safe!

Hope and Maks are in jeopardy. Hope’s face stays frozen in a smile and tells Maks, “Don’t make me laugh.”

Time for a filler segment called “Six Degrees of DWTS,” that involves a lot of celebrity name dropping. (Example: Rob Kardashian’s father was one of OJ Simpson’s defense attorneys with Johnnie Cochran, who once had a talk show with Nancy Grace.) We learn that Chynna Phillips and Chaz Bono used to have playdates when they were little because Chynna’s mom was friends with Cher, and that there is virtually no connection between Chaz and J.R., but the show tries very hard to make one. “I’m both amazed, and I just got a headache,” Tom Bergeron says, as he often does, speaking for us all.

Dancer Julianne Hough appears to tell us that next week, she will come back to her “DWTS” roots, but really, to plug her new movie “Footloose.”

R&B singer Estelle does a slowed-down jazzy intro to “The Twist,” and the stage opens and reveals Chubby Checker (wearing an unfortunate denim jacket/demin pants combo) who indeed does the twist with Estelle and some of the back-up dancers. The dancers drag judge Len Goodman out on the dance floor, who does an excellent twist, and is beaming so happily that it’s unsettling.

Mary J. Blige performs again, but this time she’s dressed as a police officer trying to make a fashion statement by making her hat as glittery as possible.

Time for the final group: Last night, we’re reminded Chynna danced to her own song (“Hold On”) and got raves from the judges. David Arquette shuffled around a lot, and Kristin Cavallari tried to copy Beyonce’s moves without much success, but the judges liked them both.

Chynna and Tony are safe!

David and Kym are safe!

Kristin and Mark are in jeopardy.

Back to the bottom three — Carson and Anna, Hope and Maks, and Kristin and Mark. Who’s still safe? Luckily for them, Carson and Anna. Len is outraged at this result, since he thought either Kristin or Hope could be headed for the finals. So that means the pair going home is…

Kristin and Mark.

Kristin looks stunned, and Tom Bergeron throws out the theory that too many people assumed she was safe, and therefore didn’t vote. Our theory? That new audience member Jay Cutler is cursed.

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