When you cancel at the last minute on your scheduled late-night talk-show appearance, because the show has paired you with someone to whom you are morally opposed, know that the comic who headlines the show is going to publicly savage you on the air — not the person whose job it is to book talent on the show.
Morrissey is a well-known animal rights campaigner -- the kind of guy who insists Los Angeles’ Staples Center be a meat-free zone the night of his performance. This appears to be news to Kimmel’s booker.
“Duck Dynasty” follows the antics of a Louisiana family that’s made its fortune producing stuff people use to hunt ducks — duck calls, decoys, etc. It is an extremely popular cable TV docu-soap.
Late Monday, Morrisey, who’d learned of the show’s other guests the next night, issued a statement saying he would love to perform on the ABC program — if Kimmel dumped the “Duck Dynasty” gang.
Otherwise, he said, he’d have to step away, the “Duck Dynasty” clan being “people who, in effect, amount to animal serial killers.”
Makes perfect sense, Morrissey being the guy who co-wrote the Smiths hit “Meat is Murder” — also maybe useful information for Kimmel’s booker.
Tuesday night, Kimmel was sincerely unapologetic for the snafu, telling his audience a young band from Denver called Churchill had very nicely stepped in for Morrissey, whose stance Kimmel said he “respects” — and about as convincingly as Seth MacFarlane saying he respects TV critics.
“There’s a very good reason why I didn’t dump ‘Duck Dynasty’,” Kimmel explained. “It’s because they have guns and Morrissey doesn’t.”
And if Morrissey is really serious, he shouldn’t be making TV appearances of any kind, Kimmel continued. For instance, when he appeared on David Letterman’s show recently, “there had to be an Outback Steak House ad in the mix.”
Morrissey, Kimmel concluded, “keeps finding ways to depress us.”
Even then Kimmel wasn’t through batting Morrissey around. The Duck Dynasty guys “feel bad” about what happened and want Morrissey to know they also make “calls” for people are opposed to shooting of animals.
Cut to ad for the Duck Dynasty “carrot call.” The “Duck Dynasty” guys blow into their carrot-callers, causing unsuspecting young carrots to jump out of the soil and into their mouths. “I love yuppie food,” the ad ends.
Morrissey responded Wednesday afternoon: “I was disappointed with last night’s Jimmy Kimmel show wherein our smiling host managed to ridicule depression (70% of Americans suffer from depression according to the National Institute of Mental Health),” he said in a statement.
“He then found time to ridicule healthy eating (the obesity epidemic in the U.S. costs $147 billion per year in medical expenditure), and he also ridiculed the notion that animals should be entitled to the possession of their own lives,” Morrissey continued, developing his Kimmel’s-a-nincompoop leitmotif.
“Furthermore, he found time to jokingly promote gun-ownership - hugely amusing for the parents at Sandy Hook, no doubt. He also promoted his special guests Duck Dynasty — who kill beings for fun.
“None of the above issues are, of course, as important as Jimmy Kimmel himself, who has finally revealed his show to have an overwhelming loss of meaning. Tune in and relive the intellectual fog of the 1950s,” Morrissey concluded.