If you’ve ever experienced anything like this you’re not alone, according to new research published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. The study, by a pair of psychologists at the University of Toronto, confirms what dating histories have long suggested: When it comes to romantic partners, most people do have a “type,” personality-wise. And the study arrives at its conclusions in a novel and slightly terrifying way: via interviews with hundreds of people’s romantic exes.
Psychologists have delved into the topic before, but much of the prior research relied on individuals’ self-reported experiences with their exes. That’s potentially a huge problem, as anyone who has tried to speak in coldly rational terms about a former lover can probably attest. People may be inclined to cast former partners in a negative light, particularly vis-a-vis their current partners, muddying up the data.
The current study gets around this issue by relying on the German Family Panel study, a representative survey of German adults that has been ongoing since 2008. That survey involves interviews with both primary survey participants and their romantic partners. If a participant changes partners, the new arrival gets interviewed and that data is added to the primary participant’s file.
With those scores in hand, the researchers then compared current and former partners to see how similar (or different) they were. Crucially, researchers controlled for potentially confounding factors: Since people tend to date people who are broadly similar to them, personality-wise, they controlled for the personality type of the primary survey participant. They also controlled for people’s tendency to characterize themselves in socially desirable terms, to ensure that any similarities weren’t simply an artifact of the way that all humans talk about themselves.
Researchers found “a significant degree of distinctive partner similarity, suggesting that there may indeed be a unique type of person each individual ends up with,” according to the study. If you’ve dated, say, introverted and neurotic people in the past, you’re likely to date similar types of people in the future.
Interestingly, however, they found that this partner association was weaker, although still present, for people who scored high on extroversion and openness to new experience. If you are an outgoing person who loves trying new things, in other words, you are more likely to date people who are dissimilar to one another.
The findings have “important implications for predicting future partnering behaviors and actions in romantic relationships,” according to the study authors. They envision, for instance, online or app-based dating services that recommend potential partners to people based on their previous romances: Think Netflix recommendations but for dating. That’s already happening, to an extent, although much of the emphasis tends to be based on what people say they want in a partner, rather than what their experience has shown they want.
For the time being, the results suggest — somewhat disturbingly — that the key to finding happiness in long-term relationships is to find someone who’s a lot like your exes.