Zonker

Zonker

Few young people have so thoroughly savored the joys of college ("the best nine years of my life") as Californian-American Zonker Harris. Known for his wheat patch and his explorations of Walden Puddle, Harris was a founding member of Walden Commune. Following graduation he swiftly rose to national prominence on the professional tanning circuit. Two-time Grand National Tanning Champion, he also won the Jack Ford Medal for Best Tan at the l980 Gerald R. Ford Pro-Am Summer Biathlon and the bronze medal at the Sonny Bono Indoor Tan Fest. Retiring from competition in l98l, Harris reversed field and appeared in an influential series of public service ads on skin cancer.

Although he may not have been aware of it, he was briefly involved romantically with a woman (Marcia Feinbloom) during the late 80s. Thanks to a mind-blowing dose of lottery luck while a student at the Baby Doc College of Medicine in Haiti, Zonker was briefly favored with a vast sum of money, most of which he used to re-purchase the freedom of his Uncle Duke, who had been zombified and sold into slavery. Enough remained, however, for him to purchase an English title, making him Lord Zonker, Viscount St. Austell-in-the-Moor Biggleswade-Brisham.

As the millennium turned, Zonker moved to Coon Rapids, Minnesota, and served as spin doctor for the unsuccessful Duke2000 presidential campaign. In recent years, when not living with his parents, he has devoted himself to the field of professional childcare, nannying and surf-mentoring Boopsie and B.D.'s daughter Samantha. He occasionally commutes to Malibu to work with his longtime mentor, Old Surfer Dude, in the campaign to maintain public access to California's beaches.

In a stunning break with tradition, Zonker has held an actual job from 2005 until 2013. Working at McFriendly's restaurant, he daily struggled with personal responsibility issues, enabling customers to order profoundly unhealthy amounts of food. And as Vice President in Charge of Station 5, he daily gave truth to the axiom "What happens on break, stays on break." During off hours, Harris took online courses at Beck U., and in 2010 he was able to help Wesleyan students preserve the decades-long tradition of Zonker Harris Day, held annually as a salute to "New England's Greatest Living Slacker." Among the highlights of his career as a nanny was taking his young charge to England, where they had curbside seats at the wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton.

For many years, when no one else was using the oven, he baked and delivered marijuana brownies to AIDS patients. When Colorado legalized recreational marijuana in 2013 Zonker and his nephew Zipper pulled up stakes and headed West in search of high and lucrative times. Having taken up residence in Uncle Duke's cabin, they now produce and market ZZ Bud, a high-end artisanal smoke fully worthy of the man-child known as the "Prince of Inner Space."