Boopsie

Boopsie

During her Hollywood heyday, Barbara Ann Boopstein was called "the drinking man's Meryl Streep." Stardom has thus far eluded the Divine Miss B, but she knows it's only a matter of lifetimes. She speaks with a certain authority: in a previous incarnation she was Lorna Doone. Her theatrical credits thus far include numerous exercise videos and several teensploitation flicks. She was featured in the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated, played Barbara Bush in the made-for -TV movie Poppy: The War Years, and was mentioned in Andy Warhol's diary. Activities in service to her country include co-hosting the Times Square victory parade marking the end of the Cold War, posing for a popular pinup poster for the Desert Shield troops, and working with the Malibu Military Family Support Group. She served on the California State Task Force to Promote Self-Esteem, and, on the personal front, was delighted to be Babe of Honor at Hugh and Kimberly Hefner's wedding.

Regrettably for her fans, she did not make the cut in "Survivor" tryouts. But her body, bit-mapped and scanned, lives on in a variety of media, generating royalties as the template for Lara Croft in Tomb Raider and Julia Roberts' breasts in Erin Brockovich. Having concluded their longtime association, Boopsie no longer shares her body with the channeled 25,000-year-old warrior Hunk-Ra, much to the relief of her daughter. Boopsie's status as a legendary B-list superstar seems secure, as indicated by the Barbara Ann Boopstein film festival held in Aspen, with a panel hosted by Roger Ebert.

During B.D.'s most recent deployment to Iraq, Boopsie took over as coach of the Fighting Swooshes, and acted decisively to accusations of sexual assault during recruiting parties by shutting the team down for the season, leading to rioting by students, sustained outrage from players, administration, fans, and B.D., and her being fired. Boopsie was the family's rock during B.D.'s recovery, struggle with PTSD, and reintegration. With nanny Zonker now in Colorado, self-reinvented as a legal druglord, and Sam contemplating college, further change is on the horizon.