In Week 1230, we expanded on a Twitter thing from a while back in which a Creator plans one biological oddity or another. Most frequent among them in this week’s entrysphere: the platypus and Donald Trump.
ANGEL: So what’s up with the narwhal?
GOD: It’s a whale on a stick.
ANGEL: But why?
GOD: Everything’s better on a stick. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
Creating black widow spiders:
GOD: The female will be a beautiful glossy black with a fetching red hourglass figure on her abdomen.
ANGEL: Splendid — how lovely the males and females will look together! Will they mate for life?
GOD: Well, sorta . . . (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)
Creating the rabbit:
GOD: I’ll make it look like a furry little meatloaf with a wiggly nose and big floppy ears.
DEVIL: And I’ll spread rumors that its amputated limbs bring you good luck. (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.)
Creating the pigeon:
GOD: We need to discourage false idols.
ANGEL: How about creating a bird that eats statues?
GOD: Let’s use the other end. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
Creating the cat:
GOD: Let’s see . . . four legs, soft fur, long tail, and a pleasant, oddly comforting rumbly sound when it’s happy.
ANGEL: Sounds great. Where does it live?
GOD: Inside. No — outside. Inside. Definitely inside. Wait . . . outside. Just leave the door open. (Molly Elizabeth Haws, Martinez, Calif., a First Offender)
GOD: Hey, what if instead of leaves, we had needles and cones and stuff and they stayed green all year? That’d be cool.
ANGEL: Marketing says people will chop them down and drag them inside at Christmas.
GOD: What the. . . Why . . . never mind. Make the needles really sharp, and have them fall out, like, the day after the tree’s chopped down. That should stop ’em. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
CREATOR: Giant hose nose needs to be cuter. Make it fluffy.
LABOR: It’ll run way too hot that way.
CREATOR: Then turn the temperature down.
LABOR: But . . . the biosphere!
CREATOR: Fluffy hose noses. (David Friedman, Santa Clara, Calif.)
GOD: Start with a worm. Give it 20 legs.
ANGEL: That’s ridiculous.
GOD: Okay, then. Fifty legs!
ANGEL: You’re drunk.
GOD: Dude, I’m God. I’ll give it a hundred legs if I want and I’ll make it the creepiest thing you ever saw. (Frank Mann, Washington)
GOD: Make them really socially awkward.
ANGEL: If they’re that awkward, how will they find a mate?
GOD: Make them so cute that humans will handle their mating for them. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.)
ANGEL: Why is his head way up there?
GOD: I guess we better give him a long neck. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh)
ANGEL: Okay, looks like we’re about done here. What do you want to do with these extra parts?
GOD: What have you got?
ANGEL: A duck’s bill, some flippers, a rejected otter body prototype, misshapen beaver tail . . .
GOD: I got an idea. Throw all those together and add venomous claws! (Jon Spell, Orem, Utah)
GOD: Hey, I have some leftover parts here.
ANGEL: Shoot, I already took out the trash.
GOD: Meh, just throw them together and put it on the weirdo island. (Danny Wysong, Crozet, Va., a First Offender)
GOD: Make a swan on stilts. And put it in a pink tutu. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
GOD: Make a bug that looks like it’s always praying, so that all who look upon it will see how all Creation praises the Creator.
ANGEL: You got it, Boss.
GOD: It will be an example for everyone.
ANGEL: Great idea.
GOD: When it mates, the female will tear the male’s head off and eat it.
ANGEL: Rode that one right off the rails, didn’t You? (Molly Elizabeth Haws)
GOD: Okay, all done with Adam.
ANGEL: Uh, he doesn’t need two of those.
GOD: He doesn’t? I mean, you never know.
ANGEL: They’ll get in the way, and he’ll be comparing them all the time.
GOD: So what am I going to do with the other one?
ANGEL: Just give it to me. I’ll put it inside a big clam, let it hang out . . . (Duncan Stevens)
CREATOR: Humans are too lazy — I’ll make some Morning Motivational Birds for them: The male can wake them up, and then the female can produce breakfast from her bottom. (Jennifer Dickey, Silver Spring, Md.)
GOD: Let’s go with a nice, small mammal.
ANGEL: Okay . . .
GOD: Make it an excellent swimmer.
ANGEL: Interesting . . .
GOD: And I want it to be really cute and lovable. Oh, and make it so it gets to enjoy a life with plenty of fun, playing and frolicking in the water.
ANGEL: Er, God?
ANGEL: Would you please turn me into one of these? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
GOD: So, it’s going to be like a bee.
ANGEL: In the ocean?
GOD: Yeah, like a pancake fish bee.
ANGEL: That can’t be a thing.
GOD (giggling): Make its belly silky. (Lauren Edmondson, Herndon, Va., a First Offender)
GOD: “Oops, I promised this one I’d give him cool stripes like the zebra. Oh well, he’ll never remember . . . ” (Hildy Zampella, Falls Church, Va.)
ANGEL: What, is there a toe shortage all of a sudden?
GOD: I gave it five, but it was too Me-damned lazy to pick up the last two. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
GOD: Okay, who spilled the wine over here?
GOD: Fine, be that way. One of you make something to clean it up! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
GOD: We’ll make them the largest creatures on Earth, maybe 300,000 pounds.
ANGEL: Gosh, what an appetite they’ll have! Will they eat whole forests or herds of beasts?
GOD: Nah, I’m thinking a diet of microscopic fish . . . (Rob Huffman)
“Oh for My sake, get those wings off that thing!” (Hildy Zampella)
GOD (on the busy factory floor): Hey, I like the looks of this one — make sure you add lots of delicacy and refinement!
ANGEL: Sorry, what’s that? Can’t hear you!
GOD (as the background noise gets louder): GIVE HER A LOT OF CLASS!
ANGEL: [pause] A lot of . . . okayyy. (Duncan Stevens)
More honorable mentions later this month.
Four weeks from now, the Empress will have just placed her dainty imperial toe back on our glittering shores. Which means that for the first time since January 2002, almost 800 contests ago — back during the late reign of her predecessor, the Czar — the Invitational will skip two contests in a row. Seismologists are standing by to measure the effect of this event, er, unevent. Anyway, later this month we’ll run more inkworthy entries from previous contests. Meanwhile, the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook — with no contest to obsess over — will presumably head full force into writing immediate postgame limericks about the Nationals’ bullpen.
The Style Conversational This week, the Empress’s online column — published late Thursday afternoon, June 29 — features an entry for Week 1230 that’s a great read but too long for the Invite. Check it out at wapo.st/styleconv.
The headline “Just-Not-So Stories” is by Gary Crockett, the honorable-mentions subhead by Kevin Dopart.