(Click here to skip down to the winning altered movie titles)
Your home is haunted. Would you rather have a ghost that silently watches you have sex or a ghost that whispers creepy riddles at you while you’re going to the bathroom?
Would you rather have a five-second make-out session with someone who hasn’t brushed his or her teeth in a year or eat a live spider?
Either your best friend gets laid off with two weeks’ pay or you lose the ability to copy and paste on electronic devices for the rest of your life. Which do you pick?
Would you agree to go up 1 to 2 points on the attractiveness scale if it meant that your breath would smell like buttered popcorn the rest of your life?
The fortunately preposterous dilemmas cited above are among the “Questions for Terrible People” in a new book by that name by Boston comedian Wes Hazard. Hazard offers “250 questions you’ll be ashamed to answer” — one to a page in headline-size type — by which you can determine just how scummy a person you are.
This week: Offer one or more funny Questions for Terrible People in this vein; they don’t necessarily have to be a choice between two undesirable alternatives, but the questions should be entertaining in themselves; we’re not looking for answers here (at least not this week). See more questions from the book in this week’s Style Conversational column at bit.ly/conv1199 (published late Thursday afternoon).
Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1199 (all lowercase).
Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy, plus the “Questions for Terrible People” book. Second place gets an electronic toilet paper roller that emits a recording of Donald Trump when you pull on it. Donated by Dave Prevar, who also gave us the Donald and Hillary pens we offered recently; of course, by then you’d be listening to either the president-elect or a total loser.
Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug, the older-model “This Is Your Brain on Mugs” mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.” Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “Magnet Dum Laude” or “Falling Jest Short.” First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 7 (since there won’t be anything else on your mind that day); results published Nov. 27 (online Nov. 23). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline for this week’s results is by Chris Doyle; Chris also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.
The Style Conversational The Empress’s weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv.
FILM FLAMMERY: THE ALTERED MOVIE TITLES OF WEEK 1195
In Week 1195 we asked you to alter a movie title — without changing or rearranging any letters: The changes had to result from changing punctuation, adding or deleting spaces, etc. At least 18 people offered the cannibalism tale of “The Grad U Ate.”
Indiana Jones and the Temp, Leo F. Doom: Indy’s vacation is cut short when his nebbishy substitute turns out to be an evil mastermind bent on global destruction.
(Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md.)
Bob & Carol, & Ted & Alice: Commas spoil all the fun. (Tim Westmoreland, Takoma Park, Md., who got his only previous blot of Invite ink in Week 142 — 21 years ago)
and the L-for-Loser bottle stoppers:
All the Presidents — Men: Limited engagement through Jan. 20, 2017 — H.R.C., New York
(Ben Aronin and Rivka Liss-Levinson, Washington)
Rebel Without ACA Use: After losing one too many knife fights, a teenage loner signs up for Obamacare. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
Citizen Kañe: The story of Charles Foster’s even more self-centered relative. (Bruce Johnson, Churchton, Md.)
Good, Fellas!: A mob boss finds out that his new “motivation by positive reinforcement” plan isn’t as effective as the other thing. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)
T or A? T or A? T or A?: Trump finally deliberates over something. (Francis Canavan, Reston, Va.)
A Night Tore Member: Christian Grey realizes he finally overdid it. (Jill Fosse, University Park, Md.)
Child Reno: F the Corn!: Little Janet refuses to eat her vegetables yet grows up to become a powerful attorney general. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.)
Fat Her’s Little Dividend: Miss Universe exacts revenge on a presidential candidate. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
Do “G’Day!” After Noon: A young woman learns the ways of the lunch shift at Outback Steakhouse. (Doug Frank)
DA’s Boo-T: A shapely prosecutor struggles to be taken seriously. Starring Kim Kardashian. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
Dr.? No!: A sixth-year PhD student spends another awkward Thanksgiving with the relatives. (Rivka Liss-Levinson)
Fat Al Attraction: Being a weatherman on national TV has its perks, even if you’re not quite studly. (Doug Frank; Brian Collins, Olney, Md.)
Fat Hero: “F the Bride”: A bridesmaid fights back when she’s too big to fit in the ugly dress that Bridezilla wants her to wear. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
Finding NE, MO: Episode 12 of “Touring the Midwest.” (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)
GA-ND-HI : A charismatic leader heads a peaceful protest march from Atlanta to Fargo to . . . Honolulu? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
Goodwill Hunt in G: Five hipsters compete for the biggest thrift store deal to the hypnotic backing of a piano sonata. (Nathanael Dewhurst, Lynn, Mass.)
“Ground-Hog Day”: A pig farmer’s battle to put the “ham” in “hamburger.” (Mark Mironer, Edina, Minn., a First Offender)
Ho Meal One: Breakfast at Your Mama’s. (Jesse Frankovich)
The “God, Father!!” Part II: Sequel to the hit about a teenage daughter’s embarrassment over her dad’s increasingly ambitious comb-overs. (Danielle Nowlin)
Spell “Bound”: Scandal erupts when the Scripps-Howard Spelling Bee throws out a softball to a judge’s son. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
The Break Fast Club: Comedy: Those gangly college friends find part-time work in a crystal shop. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)
The Cab, Le Guy: “Taxi Driver,” reimagined in Paris. (Kristen Rahman, Silver Spring, Md.)
Art-Hur: A lovable drunk is driven through New York City in his chauffeured chariot. (Jon Grantham, Bowie, Md.)
La La La, N.D.: Two workers fall in love at a Prozac manufacturing plant on the prairie. (Frank Osen)
Life Is, Beautiful: Humphrey Bogart stars as an existentialist philosopher. (Ed Sobansky, Bowie)
Little Bi G-Man: The J. Edgar Hoover story. (Mike Creveling, La Plata, Md.; Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)
Mad Ma X: In the 10th installment of the series, little Billy still hasn’t cleaned his pigsty of a room! (Jesse Frankovich)
Minority, Report!: President Trump issues his first executive order. (Stephen Dudzik)
Mild Red Pierce: A teen beats infection after a visit to the mall kiosk. (Josh Calder, Washington)
No Wand Forever: Caitlyn Jenner reflects on The Big Decision. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)
O, Liver!: An orphan reconsiders asking for more food. (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.)
Pay It for Ward: June Cleaver saves the day when the family’s electricity is shut off. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
Pre-TTY Woman: Julia Roberts stars in a remake of “The Miracle Worker.” (David Peckarsky, Tucson, a First Offender)
Snow: White: From the “First Things First” series of nature documentaries. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
’S Now White: At last, a whimsical animated feature about gentrification! (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)
The Not e-Book: A millennial is dumbfounded when he finds a bunch of papers all stuck together with glue or something. (David Fialkoff, North Potomac, Md., a First Offender)
The Shin in G: A family’s Vermont retreat is disturbed by the discovery of a human leg in their motel room. (Sarah Jay)
The Girl With the Drag-On Tattoo: Ten years after she went in for “just a tiny little heart” on her hip, she’s on Step 23 of a full-body angel/demon battle scene. (Danielle Nowlin)
Mad’m Ax: Lizzie Borden’s Aussie descendant takes more than a little bite out of crime. (Stephen Dudzik)
CA PE Fear: In Santa Monica, nerds skip gym class to avoid “dodgeball day.” (Mark Raffman)
Tomorrow? Never! (Dies.):In this gritty remake of “Annie,” “only a day away” is one too many. (Rivka Liss-Levinson)
Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 31: Our contest to translate a wordy or misleading sentence into “plain English.” See bit.ly/invite1198.