(Click here to skip down to the winning questions answered in a rhyme from Week 1079.)
● An app for 1,001 great martini recipes — using liquefied cauliflower.
● An app to make your phone sound an alarm when you start snoring at work.
● When a car approaching you has its high beams on, the app makes your windshield automatically screen the light — and curses out the other driver for you.
It’s been six years since Apple started using the slogan “There’s an app for that” to promote the iPhone 3 and the many big and little enhancements that users suddenly couldn’t possibly do without. A few months ago, the company announced that the number of available iPhone apps had passed the 1 million mark.
Still, we have at least a tentative hunch that there are still some good ideas for apps that don’t yet exist — and surely there are some bad ones as well. This week: Offer up an idea for either a humorously useful app or a humorously counterproductive one, as in the examples above; the second is by Loser Mike Gips, who woke up from his desk-chair daydream long enough to suggest this contest to us one afternoon.
Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives two “Official Barves Bags” — airline-style barf bags decorated with a doctored logo of the Atlanta Braves, whose fans at Turner Field persist in doing the “Tomahawk Chop,” waving their arms and foam hatchets and chanting ersatz-Indian-style, making the D.C. football team name positively reverent by comparison. The instructions on the bag, designed and made by Loser John Kupiec: “Spew your opinion of Tomahawk Choppers into bag. When bag is full, dispose properly by presenting it to a Tomahawk Chopper.” The Braves play at Nationals Park Sept. 8-10. This prize will be awarded Aug. 28.
Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po’ Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” ( FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to firstname.lastname@example.org or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 11; results published Aug. 31 (online Aug. 28). No more than 25 entries per entrant per contest. Include “Week 1083” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/
InvRules . This week’s honorable-mentions subhead was submitted by both Jeff Contompasis and Tom Witte; Jeff also wrote “Misfit Wit” in the subhead introducing the results, while Tom also wrote the alternative headline in the “next week’s results” line. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev, and click “like” on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at bit.ly/inkofday.
^ The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv .
For Week 1079, the Empress resurrected an ancient Invite contest and asked once again for you to write a question whose answer consisted entirely of rhyming words. Some of our contests over the years have produced satire so lacerating that debate ensued whether it qualified as humor. Well, Week 1079 is emphatically not one of these contests. It’s just ingeniously silly fun.
Q. What did Lovey shriek to Thurston when the Professor emerged from skinny dipping in the lagoon on Gilligan’s island?
A. “Towel the nerd, Howell the Third!” (Rachel Bernhardt, Silver Spring, Md.)
and the magnetic woman-and-sniffing-dog salt-and-pepper shakers:
What’s a flowery but accurate way to describe the Three Stooges?
A sassin’ trinity of asininity. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
How did Paula Deen, in full Georgia drawl, respond to Chris Wallace’s interview question “What car do you drive these days?”
“Prius, Chris.” (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)
What’s the four-year news cycle in Iowa?
Ag, ag, ag, gag. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.)
What’s the new appliance gadget designed to discourage nibbling between meals?
Black & Decker Snackin’ Wrecker. (Mae Scanlan)
What was the frightfully successful new line at the Big & Tall store?
King Kong’s string thongs. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Can you summarize “Moby-Dick” in five words?
Sail. Trail pale whale. Fail. (Christopher Lamora, Los Angeles)
“You’re tired of watching soccer, Daddy? Let’s watch Yogi Bear, okay? Come on, why not?”
“Boo-boo’s stale as vuvuzelas.” (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
What does a politically correct Snyder family member do?
Dreads kin’s Washington football team. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
When the Red Sox bet the Yankees a cake that they’d repeat last year’s success, what was the result?
Boston lost ’n’ tossed in frostin’. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)
What order does Nadya Suleman take at her new job at the podiatrist’s office?
“Octomom, stock toe balm.” (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)
What comes in the Fivesome Package at the best little whorehouse in Texas?
Four Yellow Rose bordello pros. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
What’s the name of the charity event at White Oak Lanes for awareness of inflammatory bowel disease?
Swollen-Colon Bowlin’ (Dave Savolaine, Kensington, Md., a First Offender)
What world leader had to modify his diet, and why?
Putin: Gluten tootin’. (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)
What is something that starts mysteriously, spreads rapidly and can’t be killed?
Rumor tumor. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)
What need might you understand this to?
Yoda decoda. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
What do you hope Michael Phelps doesn’t wear to his wedding?
Speedo tuxedo. (Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.)
What’s the unofficial motto of Scranton, Pa.?
Yo, pride in Joe Biden. (Kevin Dopart)
When the detective discovered the culprit was a street dancer, what did he say?
“Perp’s a plebeian terpsichorean.” (Mae Scanlan)
What’s ESPN’s idea for ratings-grabbing women’s table tennis?
Thong Pong! (Rick Haynes)
What did ABC order George Stephanopoulos to do when he took over “Good Morning, America”?
Sour Lauer power! (Christopher Lamora)
What’s that you won at the county fair — a lifetime supply of carbonated cattle drinks?!
Ever-present effervescent heifer present! (Joel Golden, Fort Washington, Md., a First Offender)
What do you call someone who protests the mammogram booth at the women’s health fair?
Breast-test fest pest. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)
What will a faster Internet connection get you?
Speedia Wikipedia. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)
What was the headline after boxes of pornographic playing cards from South of the Border were sent to the White House?
Prex Inspects Tex-Mex Sex Decks! (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.)
How do you cheer for your favorite soccer player, Brazil’s Neymar?
“Shoot beaut boot, cute hirsute brute — woot woot!” (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
What do L.A. Clippers fans hope to be doing?
Hurling Sterling. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
What did Maria tweet after she confronted Arnold about his affair?
“Just discussed lust, trust — nonplussed!” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
What do you call overmedicating an ADHD child?
Riddlin’ a little ’un with Ritalin. (Jon Gearhart)
Why did the interfaith group serve roast squab at its first dinner?
A smidgen of pigeon’s a bridge in religion. (Mae Scanlan)
What’s that Las Vegas hotel with two bathtubs in every room?
Cialis Palace. (Douglas Raybeck, Amherst, Mass.)
Did you hear the story about the roller derby queen who left her disapproving husband for the fry cook at McDonald’s?
“Later, skater hater!” Tater waiter, date ’er, mate ’er! (Mark Raffman)
What’s the hospital staff’s nickname for an angiogram?
Heart fart chart. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)
What do you call the chorus of snarky fashion comments by Joan Rivers et al. at red-carpet events? Prada/Escada yadda-yadda schmatte cantata. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)
What’s it called when you put your right hand in, put your right hand out, clutch your throat and grin, and pretend you’re passing out?
Jokey chokey hokey-pokey. (Chris Doyle)
What celebrity-owned restaurant chain fared even worse than Macho Camacho’s Nachos?
Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Innards. (Christopher Lamora)
What do deli owners in Leipzig use to protect their smoked salmon?
Bach’s Lox Box Locks. (Timothy Kloth, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender)
Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest to change the name of a music performer slightly and describe the new act. See bit.ly/invite1082.
Next week’s results: McGonagall With the Wind, or Woetry, our contest for comically bad tragic odes (on not really tragic subjects) in homage to William Topaz McGonagall, considered by some critics to be the worst poet ever. See bit.ly/invite1080 .