(Click here to skip down to the results of the contest for repurposed brand names.)
The Donald should have
A far more fitting nickname. .
Like J. Lo’s slick name,
It should right out at you jump!
Hey, then: How about T. Rump?
Last fall we introduced a brand-new form of poetry — or at least we declared it so in Week 1095, since that was easier than getting complaints that we didn’t do the old form correctly. Whatever, it’s a variation on the ancient Japanese poetry called tanka, which are, roughly, 31-syllable poems in five lines; they begin with 5-7-5, as haiku do, then have two more lines of seven syllables each. However, notes Wikipedia, “traditionally tanka had no concept of rhyme.” And traditionally The Style Invitational has a big fat concept of rhyme. We like it. Hence the TankaWanka. This week: Write a TankaWanka about something that’s been in the news lately. The poem must consist of five lines of 5, 7, 5, 7 and 7 syllables in that order. And it must include at least one rhyme, as in the example above by Willy Wanka, a.k.a. Gene Weingarten, who threw in a second rhyme at no extra charge. You may add a title, perhaps quoting a headline of a news item, if it helps the reader what you’re talking about.
Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets an Ecumenically Insulting Two-Pack: First, just in time for Hanukkah, a T-shirt depicting a man in Hasidic garb striking a martial-arts pose: It’s labeled “Jewjitsu.” Brought back from Israel by Loser Mike Gips, who decided not to wear it to High Holy Days services. And also, just in time for Advent, a bag of Scripture Candy, jellybeans that on the package are labeled “sin” (the black ones), “Jesus’ blood” (red), “clean” (white) and more. Plus “The Jelly Bean Prayer.” We like it because it rhymes. Donated by Style Invitational Devotee Daphne Steinberg.
Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet designed by Bob Staake, probably one of the new pair that will be announced with the results of Week 1146. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to email@example.com or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 16; results published Dec. 6 (online Dec. 3). You may submit up to 25 entries per contest. Include “Week 1148” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline for this week’s results is by Jon Gearhart; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Jesse Frankovich. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday, and follow the Empress on Twitter at @StyleInvite.
The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv.
VENDOR BENDERS: THE REPURPOSED BRAND NAMES OF WEEK 1144
In Week 1140, we asked which brand names would be bad choices for another product. The winners included One-a-Day toilet paper, a Dum Dum Pops sperm bank, the Bumble Bee presidential debates, and Facebook as a title for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Then in Week 1144, we spun it around and asked which names would be better for something else.
Duncan Hines is an okay name for a cake mix, but it would make a great name for baby bubble bath. (Laurie Morrison, Rockville, Md.; Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)
Fanta is a good name for a soft drink but a better name for a sea island. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)
Pop Rocks is a fine name for a candy but is fantastic for Bernie’s new campaign slogan. (Janice Haas, Bethesda, Md.)
VCU is a good name for a university but a better name for a Russian surveillance agency. (Frank Mann, Washington)
Fox News is fine for a TV network but a better name for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.)
Hanover is a good name for an insurance company and a better name for a collection agency. (Frank Mann)
The Who was a great name for a rock band but an even better name for the GOP “undercard” debates. (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.)
Cialis is a good name for an ED remedy but an even better name for a looking-glass manufacturer. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
Brach’s is a good name for a candymaker but a better name for bird food: “Parrots ask for it by name.” (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)
20th Century Fox is a good name for a movie studio but a better name for a seniors’ escort service. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
AMF is a good name for a bowling company, and it perfectly describes your ex. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.)
Ball Park is a good name for a hot dog, but it’s a better name for an athletic supporter. (Jeff Covel, Arlington, Va.)
Bed, Bath and Beyond is an okay name for a home goods store but would be a better name for an upscale brothel. (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.)
Blue Moon is a good name for a beer but an even better name for a car seat with built-in AC. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)
Browning Arms is a good name for a gun manufacturer but a better one for a group proctology practice. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Cargill is fine for an agricultural company, better for an amphibious vehicle. (Margaret Welsh, Oakton, Va.; David Friedman, Arlington, Va.)
Chap Stick is a good name for lip balm, a better name for a British walking cane. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)
Citgo is a good name for an oil company but an even better name for a dog trainer. (David Komornik, Danville, Va.)
Continental is a good name for an airline but a better name for an adult diaper. (Larry Gray)
Cover Girl is a good name for cosmetics, a better name for the new Playboy. (Kristen Rahman, Silver Spring, Md.)
DeBeers is a good name for a diamond company but a better one for a Chicago sports bar. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
Def Jam is a good name for a record label but a better name for an earwax remover. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Domino’s is a fine name for pizza but would be a great name for a demolition company. (David Friedman)
E-ZPass is a good name for an electronic toll collection system but a better name for a constipation remedy. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
FedEx is a fine name for a delivery company but a better name for Ben Bernanke’s memoir. (Jaclyn Yamada, New York)
Five Below is a good name for a discount retail store but a better name for a discount burial service. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.)
Fritos is a good name for a chip but a better name for a sandal. (Ami Greenberg, Washington)
Groupon is a good name for a discount site and a better name for a bus tour company. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)
Hasbro is a good name for a toy company but a better name for a DNA testing service. (Chris Doyle; John O’Byrne, Dublin)
Instagram is a nice name for a fun phone app but better for a Denver drug delivery service. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
Kaiser Permanente is an okay name for a health-care network but better for Angela Merkel. — The Greek Government (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
Bibigo is a good name for Korean dumplings, but it would be a better name for Israel’s Labor Party. (Jerry Pohl, Rockville, Md.,
a First Offender) oops! Jerry actually had four blots of ink back in 1994-95 — including a win and a runner-up)
Oral-B is a good name for a toothbrush but a better name for a porno film rating. (Chris Doyle)
Parcheesi is a good name for a game but a better name for a the pizza joint at the 19th hole. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
Polo is a fine name for preppy clothing but would be great for a missing-person locator service. (David Friedman)
Southern Comfort is a suitable name for a whiskey and even a better one for hemorrhoid cream. (John O’Byrne)
Stuckey’s is a good name for a restaurant but a better name for a laptop cleaner. (Ami Greenberg)
Time Warner is a good name for a media company but a better name for an alarm clock. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
Union Market is a good name for an upscale food emporium, but an even better name for Logan Circle late at night. (Mark Raffman)
Stay Puft is a good name for marshmallows, and “The Force Awakens” a good title for a “Star Wars” movie, but they both would be even better names for ED medications. (Larry McClemons, Annandale, Va.; Bill Verkuilen, Brooklyn Park, Minn.)
Vijay Singh is a good name for a professional golfer but an even better name for Eve Ensler’s “Monologues: The Musical.” (Ned Andrews, Franklin, Va.)
Wavy Lay’s is a good name for a potato chip but a better name for a waterbed. (Larry McClemons)
And Last: Lowenbrau is a nice name for beer, but a great name for The Style Invitational. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.)
Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 9: our “word search” neologism contest. See bit.ly/invite1147.