Be thankful that dogs don't know everyone else hates you. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post)

(Click here to skip down to the winning reinterpretations of movie titles.)

I'm thankful that dogs don't know everyone else hates you. (Dave Prevar)

. . . that they don't allow remote controls at the movie theater. (Art Grinath)

. . . that Uncle Billy finally croaked and I get a chance to sit at the big table. (Rich Carlson)

Four weeks from now, it’s going to be Thanksgiving weekend, and — whuh-oh, suppose they start going around the holiday table asking what everyone’s thankful for: Yikes, suppose you didn’t have some snarkily inappropriate answer to pipe up? No worries — we’re here to help, as we did back in 2006.

This week: Tell us something to be thankful for, as in the examples above from Week 685. You may attribute your thanks humorously to someone else.

Submit entries at this website: (all lowercase).

Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, just in time to be a few days too late for Thanksgiving, a very fine plush roast-turkey hat complete with little toque-thingies atop the drumsticks. It's modeled here by Matt Zampella, son of Loser Hildy, who volunteered to pose wearing this thing in the middle of a restaurant during a recent Loser brunch. Donated by Nan Reiner.

Other runners-up win our "You Gotta Play to Lose" Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, "I Got a B in Punmanship." Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, "No Childishness Left Behind" or "Magnum Dopus." First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air "freshener" (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Nov. 6; results published Nov. 26 (online on Wednesday, Nov. 22, the day before Thanksgiving). See general contest rules and guidelines at "Film quips" in the headline for this week's results is by Chris Doyle; Chris also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at "Like" Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Check it out at

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .


In Week 1247 we asked you to reinterpret a movie title with a line from your "script." Number of fart jokes submitted about a reimagined "Gone With the Wind": 30.

4th place:

12 Years a Slave: "No, Olivia, I don't think it's unfair that I expect you to help with the dishes and keep your room clean." (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

3rd place:

The Pelican Brief: "And the pouch on our design will be so much roomier than Fruit of the Looms. We'll make a fortune!" (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)

2nd place

and the book "Who Farted":
Notting Hill: "We will not fix health care. We will not fix immigration. We will not fix infrastructure. We will not fix taxes . . . " (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

A Man Called Horse: "No, Mr. President, that is only half of what they call you." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

Snubplots: Honorable mentions

Three Days of the Condor: "More leftovers of this stuff? Why can't Mom cook turkey for Thanksgiving like everyone else?" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.; Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.)

Boyz N the Hood: "Grand Wizard Duke, sir? I think we could broaden our appeal to, uh, less rural guys by calling ourselves something a little more hip. I have a suggestion . . . " (Danielle Nowlin)

The Thin Red Line: "Confirming the suspicions of many riders, we have discovered that portions of the Metro were built out of tinfoil." (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Full Metal Jacket: "Now that one really suits you, Mr. 3PO." (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

In the Heat of the Night: "When your air conditioning goes out, call me: Mr. Tibbs." (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

For Your Eyes Only: "You know, you really shouldn't drink Visine." (Jesse Frankovich)

The Shawshank Redemption: "I'm going to the pawnshop to get my shawshank back." (Gary Crockett)

Stand and Deliver: "She's in labor! How can this hospital have no empty beds?" (Mark Prysant, Silver Spring, Md.)

The Cider House Rules: "Man oh man, this is one awesome cider house." (Duncan Stevens)

The 39 Steps: "Where's that stupid hex wrench? Sheez, I don't think we'll ever get this bookshelf together . . ."(Larry Gray)

The 400 Blows: "Sure, the Model 300 is underwhelming, but if you think the 300 sucks, believe me . . ." (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)

Apocalypse Now: "But Mr. President, don't you think we should confer with the Joint Chiefs of Staff first?" (Danielle Nowlin)

Around the World in 80 Days: "Mr. Fogg, United has the best baggage system in the industry. I guarantee your bag will be returned very soon." (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.)

Bridge of Spies: "You see, the microphone device fits right here inside the dental material . . ." (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Captain Phillips: "Lieutenant Flathead, it looks like we're really screwed — unless the Captain turns up in time." (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Chain Reaction: "He told me it was 14-karat, but look! It turned my neck green!" (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Clueless: "Well, I don't know, was it Professor Plum in the ballroom with the candlestick? You tell me — I'm just the caterer." (Colin Schatz, Oakland, Calif.)

Free Willy: "In sports news, we have to pixelate the results of the men's marathon in Slovakia . . ." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

Hidden Figures: "Do you really think you'll have any success selling burqas in Beverly Hills?" (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)

Hidden Figures: "I want to know why all the people in that yuge inauguration crowd didn't show up in the photos!" (Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.)

How to Train Your Dragon: "Well, it'll depend on what works for you. For me, thinking of baseball does the trick, though in an emergency you could think of Grandma in her swimsuit." (Danielle Nowlin)

Invasion of the Body Snatchers: "I'm sorry, sir, but the dressing room is for pageant contestants only." (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento)

Love Actually: "Is it '15-zero' or '15-oh'?" (Jesse Frankovich)

Mrs. Doubtfire: "Get real, Oog. You no expect me believe you make flames with two sticks." (Jesse Frankovich)

No Strings Attached: "If you walk out that door, Pinocchio, you are on your own!" (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

Strangers on a Train: "Watch it, you guys, you're standing on my bridal gown!" (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)

The NeverEnding Story: "Sure, why not take another crack at Repeal and Replace?" (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)

The Thing: "Grandson, could you bring me over that . . . whatchamacallit . . ." (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

There Will Be Blood: "It's just a garbage disposal, Sharon, how hard could it be to fix?" (Danny Wysong, Crozet, Va.)

Wall-E: "And in the event that the Mexicans make it past my first four great, great walls . . ." (James Kruger, New York)

Must Love Dogs: "No way! I'll do nudity, but I am not doing a scene like that!" (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

The Quiet Man: " ." (Larry Gray)

Still running — deadline Monday night, Oct. 30: our contest for poems using words that were new in a certain year. See