(Click here to skip down to the winning interpretations of parts of the Constitution)
Post headline with fake typo:
debut debutt, stay positive
Bank head based on the typo:
Linebackers, tackles strut slimmer derrieres from new diets, glute exercises
A path to diversity in U.S.
Eat no fat? Eat no lean? There’s a pig for every carnivore in new breeding program
Family escapes home before
gas gab explosion
Smiths on Elm St. flee from back door upon approach of terminally boring neighbor
Every year or so, we ask you to send in a real headline from that week’s paper, then reinterpret its meaning in a bank head, or subtitle. But it’s been three years since we last did this variation: Change a headline in an article or ad in The Post or another publication dated Sept. 13-24 by adding or subtracting one letter; substituting a letter; transposing two letters; or changing spacing or punctuation; and then add a “bank head,” or subtitle, as in the examples above, which the Empress and the Royal Consort based on Post headlines from the past week. You may shorten a more complex headline, and you may capitalize each word of the headline if that will help your wordplay. You must tell me where you found the original headline and what its real wording was.
Submit entries at the website wapo.st/enter-invite-1297 (all lowercase).
Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a substantial yet extraordinarily tacky glitter globe containing a sad-looking (perhaps homemade?) little model of a John Deere tractor. This makes our earlier prize of the motorcycle-riding-cow glitter globe tantamount to a Faberge egg. Donated by Loser and champion prize donor Cheryl Davis, who also gave us the Cowasaki.
Other runners-up win our “You Gotta Play to Lose” Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.” Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “We’ve Seen Better” or “IDiot Card.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, Sept. 24; results published Oct. 14 (online Oct. 11). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline for this week’s results is by Jon Gearhart; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. “Like” Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.
The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv.
THE FARCED AMENDMENT: EXPLAINING THE CONSTITUTION
In Week 1293 we asked for novel ways to explain parts of the U.S. Constitution, perhaps (but not necessarily) to a president who might not read it.
Article II, Section 1, Clause 3, and the 12th Amendment: the electoral college: It’s kind of like letting baseball fans vote for players to go to the All-Star Game, but then ignoring the votes and delegating the actual selections to the Maryland Board of Cosmetology.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
The First Amendment: Freedom of speech and religion:
Travolta and Cruise can have their e-meters
Jews can foreshorten their son’s peepee
Folks can meet and protest your stupid tweeters
And Maureen Dowd can call you a creepy.
(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)
Militia! They say I can have a militia.
With muskets for my men,
Straight from the 18th cen . . . tury.
Militia! But I don’t see any indicia
That I can’t keep in stock
A Luger or a Glock, or three.
Militia! Some grenades strapped around my forehead,
And an AR-15 for my sorehead.
Militia . . . and maybe a warhead . . . Militia! (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.)
The Preamble, explained more clearly by rearranging ALL its letters into this anagram:
Everyone deserves equal chance for peace, harmony, protection from nuts, enemies and the freedom to attain the best life for their families. So here are the districts' rules, jotted down so idiotic dummies in future generations — predisposed to spastic bullying or truth distortion — won't be able to pull a fast one on the rest of us.
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
The electoral college is the institution where you learn that 62,979,879 > 65,844,954. (Zachary Levine, Rockville, Md., a First Offender)
First Amendment: Freedom of speech:
The Congress shall not make a law
That stops us from flapping our jaw. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
First Amendment: Freedom of the press: Abridging freedom of the press does not count as an infrastructure project. (Zachary Levine)
25th Amendment: Presidential disability and succession:
A High Coup
The vice president
Plus half of your Cabinet
Can get rid of you. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Article IV, Section 4: “The United States shall guarantee to every State in this Union a Republican Form of Government”: See, the Democrats are ILLEGAL! — D.J.T., Washington (Duncan Stevens)
Articles I, II and III, the three branches of government: Think of them as three interlocked gears arranged in a triangle, so they all work together — or not move at all. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Article VI, Section 6, Clause 3, forbidding religious tests for federal “office or public trust”:
To “Be Our Guest”
There’s no test! There’s no test! No religion’s second-guessed,
So no zealot can insist his faith surpasses all the rest.
Muslim, Jew, skeptic, “none,” each has got the right to run:
Clause 6-3 is here to witness that you can’t dispute their fitness.
In their posts they can serve, and you’ve got a lot of nerve
If you’d bar them for the creed that they’ve professed.
So, pluralism? Love it. And your dogma? Shove it.
Never blessed? Don’t get stressed — there’s no test! (Duncan Stevens)
Fourth Amendment: Unreasonable searches and seizures: Michael Cohen’s office can be searched by the FBI only if a real judge agrees that he’s a sleazy lowlife with incriminating evidence on even sleazier lowlifes. (Jon Ketzner)
Article II, Section 1: The President shall, at stated Times, receive for his Services a Compensation, which shall be no less than two Scoops. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)
Fifth Amendment: Double jeopardy: You cannot be prosecuted twice for paying Stormy once. (Jon Ketzner)
The whole Constitution:
To the “Major-General’s Song” (Nan sings it here):
It is the very model of a Charter Constitutional,
Which for the 18th century was wholly revolutional.
An equal vote in choosing how to govern our society
Was granted to the peasant and the wealthy high-and-mighety.
Each law demands Bicameral consensus after forth-and-backs
(Though some defy all reason, like the convoluted income tax).
It has its own procedure when we realize we need redos,
Like getting rid of slavery and acknowledging we crave the booze.
Despite authoritarian political expedience,
The Prez is not a king, and to the law he owes obedience.
On 6 November comes the wave, electoral, ablutional,
Wherein we shall begin to save our Charter Constitutional.
And last: One more anagram of the Preamble:
We the People of the Style Invitational, in Order to form a more eased sense of deft Wit, establish Jests, insure erudite Hilarity, provide for the common quip, promote the general Banter, and secure the desired Blessings of numerous Blots upon us, do enter to clarify and correct this Constitution of the United States of America. (Jesse Frankovich)
Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 17: our contest for poems featuring new words added to the dictionary. See wapo.st/invite1296.
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