(Click here to skip down to the winning double-entendres)

George Washingmachine: Earliest master of political spin.

Genghis Yes-We-Khan: The Barbarity of Hope.

Confusius: “By three methods we may learn wisdom: reflection, imitation, and . . . oops . . . ”

This week’s contest, suggested by 400-time Loser Gary Crockett, is inspired by a recent panel of Scott Hilburn’s clever comic “The Argyle Sweater” (see it on GoComics.com). Titled “Least-Remembered Historical Figures,” it features a series of cartoons depicting such unluminaries as “Copernicuss” (“&#%$@ planets!”), “Gen. George Custodian” (“They left a mess at Little Big Horn”) and “Aristattle” (ancient Greek kid yelling, “I’m telling Mom!”). This week: Slightly alter the name (make sure the original is obvious) of a famous personage — past or present, real or fictional — and describe the resulting nonpersonage, or offer a quote from that person, or both, as in the examples above.

Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1340 (all lowercase).

Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fine pair of Sandal Sox — white socks with a buckling-sandal motif on top, so you can get the dorky-dad socks-with-sandals look without even wearing shoes. In fact, wearing shoes will totally hide the effect. Donated by Joke Dad Jeff Contompasis.

Other runners-up win our “You Gotta Play to Lose” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “Too-Weak Notice” or “Certificate of (de) Merit.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, July 22; results published Aug. 11 in print, Aug. 8 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline for this week’s results is by Mark Raffman; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses the week’s new contest and results. Check it out at wapo.st/styleconv.


In Week 1336 the Empress gave you a list of various situations — including the ever-popular “in bed” — and asked you to suggest something one might say in any two of those situations. That the double-entendres were required to be printable, even by the taste standards of the Invitational, ruled out a sizable fraction of the entries; hence none of the many jokes about “openings” (job interview/bed) or “eat” or “bone.” Less graphically, there were just too many “meatball” entries for Trump/Ikea, or “Let’s cut this short” for haircut/Trump. Still, we offer you these:

4th place:

Something you could say both at a restaurant and in bed:
“So we’re a bit short-staffed tonight, are we?” (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

3rd place:

Something you could say both at Ikea and when President Trump visits your country:
“My God, that orange rug is hideous.” (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

2nd place and the yuckily namedpersonal-care items:

Something you could say both at a restaurant and in bed:
“You gonna finish that?” (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

Something you could say both at a restaurant and when Trump visits your country:
"Can we get it to go?" (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Nixed doubles: Honorable mentions

At Ikea and at a doctor’s office: “This is the oddest-looking stool I’ve ever seen.” (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.; Bill Dorner, Indianapolis; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Getting a haircut and when Trump visits your country:
“Ow, my ears!” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

At Ikea and when Trump visits your country:
“This nut here seems to be useless.” (Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.)

“Wow, what a huge glass bowl!” (Duncan Stevens)

At Ikea and in bed:
“I don’t know — those drawers are really sticky.” (Frank Osen)

“Huh, it looked much bigger on the website.” (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

“I’ll pay cash on the dresser.” (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.)

At a job interview and a restaurant:
“I always give 118 percent.” (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.)

At a restaurant and a doctor’s office:
“Now which of you has the crabs?” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

During a haircut and in a job interview:
“I like to take a little off the top — not so much that anyone would notice.” (Roy Ashley, Washington)

At a job interview and in bed:
“You’re on my ‘short’ list.” (Tom Witte)

“What types of entry-level positions are you open to?” (Kevin Dopart)

On a game show and in a job interview:
“Wheel-spinning is my specialty, Bob.” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

At a restaurant and when Trump visits your country:
“We need to send back this spoiled turkey.” (Duncan Stevens)

When Trump visits your country and in bed:
“These giant inflatables are a lot of fun.” (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

“Ít helps to close my eyes and think of Obama.” (Mark Raffman)

On a game show and at the doctor:
“And the actual retail price is . . . $23,981!” (Rivka Liss-Levinson, Washington)

On a game show and when Trump visits your country:
“The tribe has spoken: Pack your bags and leave the island.” (Luke Baker, Columbia, Md.)

At a doctor’s office and in a job interview:
“Should I leave my underwear on?” (Mark Calandra, Wenham, Mass.)

At a doctor’s office and when Trump visits your country:
“Is it serious?” (Dan Helming, Trenton, N.J.)

“Don’t worry, the headache and irritation are common but temporary.” (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)

At Ikea and when Trump visits your country:
“What are we supposed to do with this tool?” (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

During a haircut and in bed: “Could we try that gel again? It worked pretty well last time.” (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.)

“Now that there’s less to work with, let’s try doing it every six weeks instead of once a month.” (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

“You always make the bangs too short.” (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md., William Kennard, Arlington)

At a supermarket and among Style Invitational Losers: “Ugh, these lines are awful!” (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)

Among Style Invitational Losers and in bed:
“You may not exceed 25 entries in one week.” (Steve Honley, Washington; Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

“Want to see my little cannon?” (Frank Mann, Washington)

“I don’t CARE if Jesse Frankovich can do it eight times in a week!” (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.)

“You will call me Empress, Loser. And if you want any of my favors, you must first submit.” (Seth Tucker, Washington)

Among Style Invitational Losers and when Trump comes to your country: “I can’t believe that stupid thing won!” (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Still running — deadline is also July 22: our contest for song parodies about modern woes. See wapo.st/invite1339.

DON’T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to receive a once-a-week email from the Empress as soon as The Style Invitational and Style Conversational go online every Thursday, complete with links to the columns.