When the results of this contest run, four weeks from now, it’ll be the weekend before Halloween. So here’s an incentive to put a Loserly spin on the holiday: Give us a creative, clever idea for a timely Halloween costume (for one or more people) or an idea for a party or other activity, either feasible or not so much, as in the examples above provided by Invite Obsessive Duncan Stevens along with his suggestion of this contest. You may even send us a photo of an actual new costume you’ve created this year, so the Empress will extend the usual contest deadline by a week; you have until Oct. 14.
Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1351
(no capitals in the Web address). If you have more than one photo to submit, please use a separate entry form for each photo.
Winner gets the Lose Cannon,
our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a belly pack that looks like a white man’s hairy belly, modeled below by Loser Drew Bennett, who donated it. (The Empress has no idea whether it looks like Drew’s actual bodily gut, and we’ll leave it that way.) It’s actually a high-quality bag, with durable straps and zippers and such. Wearing it as a fanny pack might be even more interesting.
The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/conv1351.
Redo unto others: The 'reologisms' of Week 1347
In Week 1347,
the Empress rounded up a list of zingy neologisms and name-puns that had been entered in earlier contests but needed better descriptions — and asked the whole Loser Community to help. It delivered, as you’ll see below. Too many people to credit suggested that Marco Pollo
met General Tso while crossing the Silk Road and that Richard Outhouse Nixon really needed plumbers.
Mediochre: The color of the fifth-place ribbon. (David Peckarsky, Tucson)
A. The Right Brothers.
Q. Who invented the mansplane? (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)
and the Mr. Turdy modeling clay kit:
Lady Maga: The new name that Ken Cuccinelli is planning for the Statue of Liberty. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)
And the winner of the Lose Cannon:
Captain Rehab: His saga opens: "Call me Ishmael."
"Hiiii, Ishmael." (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.)
Def warmed over: Honorable mentions
Genghis Cohen: The most fearsome ruler ever to live, except for his mother. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
Attila the Hon: History’s least menacing Baltimorean, until the 2019 Orioles came along. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)
Bill DeBlasé: Meh-yor of New York City. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)
After you’ve navigated three phone menus to get a live person, only to be told to call back during normal business hours, you might well become a cusstomer. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Exersighs: What you let out when touching your toes becomes touching your knees. (Mark Raffman)
Exersighs: A delicate term for farting during a gym workout, as in “Pardon my exersighs.” (Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.)
A. F*** Scott Fitzgerald.
Q. Who wrote “Tinder Is the Night?” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
A. Gen. William Tecumseh Charmin.
Q. Who captured Atlanta but lost the Battle of Bull Runs? (Frank Mann, Washington)
A. Gen. William Tecumseh Charmin.
Q: Who was number two in his class at West Point? (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)
Gen. William Tecumseh Charmin: Famous for tracking down and taking revenge on Montezuma. (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.)
Gen. William Tecumseh Charmin: By the time he reached Georgia, he was on a roll! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
Genghis Cohen:“One of my 16 million descendants would be just perfect for your granddaughter!” (Jesse Rifkin)
A. Horatio Algebra.
Q. Who wrote his rags-to-riches stories according to this formula: “X < Y; X impresses Y; Y rewards X; X = Y”? (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)
How deadpan are his jokes? They’re so deadpan we call him the humortician.
Humortician: That oh-so-helpful comedy expert who analyzes why your joke wasn’t funny. (Neal Starkman, Seattle; Jeff Contompasis)
Humortician: Someone who can turn a FUNERAL into REAL FUN. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)
Ikea Turner: This pop singer’s birth name was Allen Wrench. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)
IMHOtep: “With all due respect, mighty Pharaoh, I think the wide part of the pyramid should go at the bottom.” (Jesse Frankovich)
Joan of Arkansas was Bill Clinton’s earliest known girlfriend, until she burned his steak. (Alan Duxbury, Carlisle, Pa.)
A. John F. Kidney.
Q. Who said, “’Ich bin ein Uriner!” (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)
A. Kevin Costco.
Q. Who said, “If you build it, they will come and purchase a ginormous jar of olives?” (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)
Kindergartenerd: “Spell ‘cat’? Would you give me the etymology, please?” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
If you carry your crayons in a pocket protector, you might be a kindergartenerd.
(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.; Jesse Frankovich)
Kindergartenerd: A first-year Cub Scout who already has his eyes on becoming a Dweebelo. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
Kindergartenerd: A kid who writes out the chord progressions of “Baby Shark.” (Jesse Frankovich)
A. Lady Maga.
Q. Who sings “Suborn This Way?” (Jeff Contompasis)
Lewdicrous: How to describe crotchless bike shorts. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.)
Marco Pollo: A game in which two blindfolded players swim toward each other until one swerves. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
A. Marco Pollo.
Q. What do you call a Florida senator who is afraid to debate? (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Mediochre: A color slightly more intense than mehcru, but not as vivid as insipia. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
Politicalisthenics: Lots of pushing and pulling that ends with dips doing squat. (Jesse Frankovich)
Quizine: “I see that you have taken a bite! How IS everything? … Yes, of course you can finish chewing … So, is everything AMAZING?” (Danielle Nowlin)
A. Richard Outhouse Nixon.
Q. Who stunned the world by meeting with Mao Tse-Dung? (Beryl Benderly, Washington)
Richard Outhouse Nixon: Even his presidency smelled better than Donald “John” Trump’s. (Mark Raffman)
Rupert Nerdoch: Guy who is unlikely to land a 21st-century fox. (Danielle Nowlin)
Samuel Morose: “Dots and dashes are fine, but what a disappointment that I never found a way to transmit a smiley face.” (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
Samuel Morose: Whose favorite song was taps? (Kevin Dopart)
The Hardly Boys: A pair of amateur sleuths who’ve been solving crimes since 1927. (Jonathan Jensen)
A. The Hardly Boys.
Q. Who were the main characters in “The Mystery of the Eunuchs’ Tunics?” (Harold Mantle)
A. Thomas Uvula Edison.
Q. Who invented, you know, that … thingy? (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.)
Thomas Uvula Edison: The Gizzard of Menlo Park. (Bob Kruger)
Still running — deadline Monday night: Our contest for poems based on new dictionary words. See wapo.st/invite1350.
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