Eskimos have more words for “snot” than for “snow.” (Kevin Dopart, Week 702, 2007)
As part of our ongoing mission to spread lies and disinformation, the Empress brings you yet another fictoid contest, this one suggested by Obsessive Loser Jeff Contompasis: Give us some untrue trivia about winter or things that occur in winter, including holiday traditions, as in the examples above; the first was one Jeff suggested along with the contest; the others are Invite classics.
Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1360 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Dec. 9; results will appear Dec. 29 in print, Dec. 26 online.
Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a holiday-festive pair of bright red knit boxers that say “Got gas?” all over them. Weirdly, the words are interspersed with silhouettes of gasoline nozzles. I think someone has his exhaust systems confused. Donated by Loser Daphne Steinberg.
Other runners-up win one of our last “You Gotta Play to Lose” Loser Mugs or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “Too-Weak Notice” or “Certificate of (de) Merit.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline “If the Q Fits” is by Jesse Frankovich; Bill Dorner wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.
The Style Conversational: The Empress's online column returns next week.
If the Q fits: Ask Backwards winners from Week 1356
In our Week 1356 Ask Backwards contest, we supplied 16 “answers” and asked for the questions. At least a dozen Losers said a box of Sharpies would be replacing the supercomputers at the National Weather Service; that Pierre Defecto was a French term for ED; and that the new Crayola color would be, of course, Peach Mint.
A: Lil Nas XL
Q. Who’s gonna take his fork to the Old Town Buffet and eat till he can’t no more? (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)
A. Pierre Defecto.
Q. How did Donald Trump refer to a disabled Frenchman? (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)
and the mini Zen garden litterbox:
A. The middle seat in coach:
Q. Besides a bakery before Easter, where’s the best place to find hot cross buns? (Peter Jenkins, Bethesda, Md.)
And the winner of the Lose Cannon:
A. The Washington Monument elevator.
Q. Where in D.C. can you hear people of all nations and creeds praying together? (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
Bad-askery: Honorable mentions
THE MIDDLE SEAT IN COACH
Where did John Fogerty find himself after his travel agent overheard him rehearsing “Centerfield”? (Paul Burnham, Gainesville, Va.)
In a country song, what might follow the line “She grimaced like she’d seen a roach/ Or drawn . . .” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
What keeps getting smaller but never quite disappears? (Karen Duffy, Geneseo, N.Y.)
Where do masochists go when their full-body latex suits stop feeling constricting enough? (John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)
Where does Tiffany Trump sit on Air Force One? (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)
Where does every passenger sit on Purgatory Airlines? (Will Stutzman, Millersburg, Ohio)
THE NEXT CRAYOLA COLOR
What is Burnt Sierra? (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.)
What is Unearthly Bluish Smartphone Glow? (Duncan Stevens)
What is Tanning-Bed-Goggle White? (Alan Duxbury, Carlisle, Pa.)
What is Ocher Boomer? (Roy Ashley, Washington)
What is SpongeBob SquarePants’s jeans size? (Will Stutzman)
If the New England Patriots had to play away from home on a short week wearing handcuffs and blindfolds, by what score would they be favored to beat the Redskins? (Jesse Frankovich)
What is the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything except Kanye West, Jenny McCarthy and Dan Snyder? (Paul Burnham)
Ms. Daniels, for our records, could you please tell us your bosom size and your, um, date’s, um, measurement? (Mike Phillips, Washington)
What are the average chronological and emotional ages of Style Invitational entrants? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
With what mobile app can you request a navel cleaning from a nearby stranger? (Jesse Frankovich)
In Wales, what’s the church season before Yster and after Ypiphyny? (Duncan Stevens)
What’s the name of the Etsy store making sweaters from bellybutton fuzz? (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
What on-demand joke-writing service is part of the “gag economy”? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
What ride-sharing service can you call for a Lincoln Clown Car? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
What command did Gomer Pyle expect just after “Rat”? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
A BOX OF SHARPIES
What did Timothy Leary fail to recognize as a reality-altering substance? (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.)
A BOTOXED SHAR-PEI
What looks more natural than Roger Stone? (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)
What’s worse than a cat with lip implants? (Bird Waring)
Which of her pets did AOC name Madam Speaker? (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)
A PERFECT CALL
All these years later, how does the Devil regard his decision to make Donald Trump his Great Disrupter? (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)
What’s when someone’s phone goes straight to voice mail? (Erika Ettin, Washington, a First Offender)
At the Razorback County Fair, what allowed Ida Mae Hokum to beat out her competition for Hog Queen? (Jeff Contompasis)
What was “misplacing” all of Mom’s Kenny G CDs before the family road trip to Yosemite? (Will Stutzman)
ANKLE, ANKLE, HOORAY!
What do midwives cheer at the beginning of a breech birth? (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
What’s the cheer at the double Achilles’ tendon rupture support group? (Ken Gallant, Sequim, Wash.)
What do ticks say when they climb past your sock? (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)
What does the rugrat say when he finds his mom? (Jeanne White, Falls Church, Va., a First Offender)
How do you feel, Mr. President, about the house arrest option with wearing a monitor, versus time in federal prison? (Jeff Strong, Fairfax, Va.)
THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT ELEVATOR
What is D.C.’s literal tourist trap? (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)
What’s the only thing in D.C. that gets right to the point? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
What totally lame contraption is over 100 feet shorter than its beautiful counterparts in Trump Tower? — D.J.T. (Jesse Frankovich)
Who breaks into gas stations to add ethanol to the fuel tanks? (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)
What superhero shoots corn silk from his wrists? (Jesse Frankovich)
Who’s expecting Joe to take out the trash while Bernie walks the dog, before Kamala stops by with dinner, and Liz drops off the kids from school? (Frank Osen)
LIL NAS XL
Who’s gonna take his elephant to the old town road? (Jesse Rifkin)
Who’s gonna ride his horse till IT can’t no more? (Gary Crockett)
A 10-YEAR-OLD JAR OF NATURAL PEANUT BUTTER
What’s easier to swallow: “There was no quid pro quo” or a 10-year-old jar of natural peanut butter? (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)
What will Republican senators confirm as a federal judge if President Trump nominates it? (Mark Raffman)
What has slightly less oil on top than Donald Trump Jr.? (John Hutchins)
RUDY GIULIANI’S MORE PENSIVE MOMENTS
When does he wish he were the red-nosed Rudolph instead of the brown-nosed one? (Dudley Thompson)
At what times does the thought of the undercarriage of a bus come to mind? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
A DRESS MADE OF LOSER MAGNETS
What is both repelling and strangely attractive at the same time? (Jeff Hazle; Wayne Rodgers, Boise, Idaho)
What is a good example of Art Drecko? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
What do you wear over your honorable unmentionables? (Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.)
How can I stop people from calling me a shiftless Loser? (Frank Osen)
What is the second most pathetic garment in Washington, next to a dress made of Redskins tickets? (Mark Raffman)
Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 2: Our contest for “air quotes” that span two or more words. See wapo.st/invite1359.
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