ANNOUNCING THE 2021-22 LOSER MAGNETS! Each year since 2003, Our Art Guy Bob Staake has created a pair of magnets for the Invite’s honorable mentions. They may be the size of a business card, but you can also think of them as limited-edition (500 each) Staake prints. The ideas were inking entries in our 2015 contest for magnet slogans; “A Small Jester of Appreciation” is by Elizabeth Molyé; Nancy Della Rovere had suggested “No Cigar,” and Bob turned it into an homage to Magritte’s painting “This Is Not a Pipe.” Elizabeth and Nancy each win a magnet, six years later.
For this week’s contest: Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1453 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Sept. 20; results appear Oct. 10 in print, Oct. 7 online.
Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a set of three genuine dried “naturally glowing edible scorpions” — along with a black-light flashlight that’s supposed to create that natural glow. Edible? Well, that’s what the package says. It also says, “Amaze your friends.” We suggest not edding them. Donated by Dave Prevar.
Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get either one of the new lusted-after Loser magnets or the current “No ’Bility” or “Punderachiever.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline “Look Both Ways” is by Beverley Sharp; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; “like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.
The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week’s at wapo.st/conv1453.
Look both ways: Before-and-after names from Week 1449
In Week 1449 the Empress put up a “Before and After”-type wordplay contest in which you start with a name and append another name, word or phrase (sometimes bending the spelling along the way).
Dwayne Johnson’s Wax: Quite impressive when buffed. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
Roald Dolly Parton: Beloved author of “James and the Giant Melons.” (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)
and the ‘Scream’ lapel pin:
F. Scott FitzGerald Ford: “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the . . . oops, man overboard!” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:
Once upon a playoff mission, 2021 edition,
After sitting out two games (his knee was feeling really sore) —
Wearing Nike sneakers squeaky, showing off his talents freaky,
Six-eleven, strong and Greek, he made amazing moves to score.
Named the Finals MVP, the finest player on the floor:
Giannis, Number 34.
(Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)
ImPAIRed: Honorable mentions
James Madison Cawthorn: “Knowledge will forever govern ignorance . . . well, until now.” (Mark Raffman)
Lin-Manuel Miranda Warning: (to “You’ll Be Back” from “Hamilton”)
You’ll shut up! Close your mouth,
Sass the cops and it could all go south.
You’ll shut up — do not talk.
There’s a chance that they could let you walk.
Motions rise, DAs fall;
You’ll remain impassive through it all,
And when you need support,
They will send a public (free!) defender to stand up for you in court!
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
Dalai Lamazon: Offers enlightenment and wisdom in two days, guaranteed. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
Dan Snydermatitis: A rash in which the patient’s skin turns . . . uh . . . rashlike. Also caused by abnormally thin skin. (Frank Mann, Washington)
Eminemmanuel Macron: “Yella vesta protesta / Be a pest ’n’ I’m gonna arrest ya!” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
Eminemily Dickinson: “Hope is the @#$&* thing with feathers.” (Mark Raffman)
LeBron James Joyce: Working on “Finnegans Wake 2: Space Jammier.” (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.)
Lyndon B. Johnson & Johnson: “One and done.” (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.)
Madame Curious George: A radioactive monkey escapes into the arms of a man in a yellow haz-mat suit. (Laurie Morrison, Rockville, Md.; Josh Feldblyum, Springfield, Pa.)
Marlon Brandonald Trump: “Steallllla!” (Harold Mantle, Walnut Creek, Calif.)
Lewis Carroll of the Bells:
“Hark how the bells go dongleding
And with a swilvy twankling say,
‘Let all your cares go flarrowing
This frabjous Christmas Day!’ ” (Coleman Glenn)
Mister Ed Sheeran: Singing horse who wrote the hit single “Shape of U,” about his favorite shoe. (Jesse Frankovich)
Ogden Nash Equilibrium: “Game theory / Makes me weory.” (Daniel Galef, Tallahassee)
RuPaul Bunyan: He’s a lumberjack and he’s okay. (Edward Gordon, Austin)
Won’t You Be My NeighBoris Johnson: A man leaves his community in a huff, then hangs out next door spreading a virus. (Kevin Dopart, sojourning in Naxos, Greece)
Andrew CuoMotown: “I Heard It Through the Gropevine.” (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria, Va.)
Cuomodo dragon: A nearly extinct lizard that makes a lot of noise and whose touch is repellent. (Henry J. Aaron, Washington, a First Offender)
Archduke Ferdinand the Bull: His assassination led to the Wars of the Roses, Lilies, Gardenias and Hyacinths. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Bonoprah Winfrey: “You get a car! You get a car! U2 get a car!” (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)
Captain Morgantivaxxer: “Avast conspiracy!” (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)
Clint Eastwoodsy Owl: “Give a hoot — don’t pollute — or I’ll shoot.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
CriscOsteen: Truly inspired by the Lard. (Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church, Va.)
Dirty Harry Belafonte: “Go ahead. Make my day-o, day-ay-o!” (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
Dustin Hoffmanifest Destiny: “Mrs. Robinson, it is both justified and inevitable that you will seduce me.” (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)
Kim KardashIan Fleming: Author of “For Your Eyes Only, Except for Everyone Else Who Saw the Sex Tape” (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.)
Lauren Boebert Lahr: A cowardly lyin’ congresswoman. (Chris Doyle)
Mae Westmoreland: Led our troops astray in Vietnam. (George Thompson, Springfield, Va.)
George R.R. Martin Luther: He was actually going to write 250 theses. (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.)
George Washington Football Team: First in . . . no, uh . . . hmm . . . never mind. (Mark Turco, McLean, Va.)
Jos. A. Banksy: He surreptitiously painted the side of a building in a jaunty argyle pattern. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
Kamala Harrison Ford: Star of the movie “Air Force Two,” where she foils the terrorists with a bucket of warm spit. (Kevin Dopart)
Meryl Streeptease: Starred in “The Devil Wears Nada.” (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)
Scooby-Doobie Brothers: “Ruh-roooh, risten to the rusic!” (Coleman Glenn)
Stephen Breyers Ice Cream: The manufacturer can’t seem to understand when this should go on the shelf. (Duncan Stevens)
Benjamin FrankLin-Manuel Miranda: Creator and star of the electrifying sequel to Hamilton:
“Hey yo, I’m just like my city:
I’m lewd, well fed and witty;
Now this kite’s gonna convey my shock!” (Coleman Glenn)
The man known as Hef
For modest living got an F
But the bunnies in his clutch
At least got a solid gold hutch. (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.)
Sharon Stonehenge: A monument to basically framed, yet instinctually inviting open spaces. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)
Sir Lancelothario: “Came-a-lot!” (Jeff Shirley)
Gov. Greg AbButt-Head: He and Top Florida Man Ron DeBeavis continue to make trouble in schools. Heh-heh. (Kevin Dopart)
Michael J. Fox News: “We’ve got to get back to 1955!” (Jesse Rifkin; Jesse Frankovich)
And Last: Pat Myers-Briggs Type Indicator: No matter how you take the test, you lose. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)
Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 13: Our contest to find new words in a word search grid. See wapo.st/invite1452.
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