(Click here to skip down to the winning “grandfoals”)
GOD: Give it 8 super strong arms & hands
ANGEL: uh, we’re out of bones.
GOD: 8 weird floppy arms w/ suction cup things(@huntigula on Twitter)
Put a needle on its butt.
“Come on, God, wha—”
Make its puke delicious.
(@themiltron, a.k.a. Horny Rae Jepsen)
GOD: just like a hairy black potato with wings
GOD: also it sleeps upside down like an idiot
(@tricycle_champ, a.k.a. Jackson)
A thing on Twitter a couple of years ago — hey, for the Empress, that’s a blink of her rheumy old eye — was a flurry of tweeted mini-dialogues on God Creating Stuff. BuzzFeed compiled some of the tweets last year, including the pseudonymous ones above, and Imperial Scion Valerie Holt alerted the Empress recently. This week: Supply a brief monologue or dialogue about a Creator’s specifications or planning for some living being, as in the examples above. Since the Invite doesn’t have Twitter’s strict space limitations — and because the Empress has this thing for punctuation and readability — please spell words out, use standard punctuation and capitalization, etc.; once we publish this week’s results, you can tweet your entry however you like.
Submit entries at this website: bit.ly/enter-invite-1230 (all lowercase).
Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy — one of the last few before we come out with a new design. Second place receives, in the spirit of Why?? creations, a cute plush Streptococcus pyogenes microbe, a.k.a. Sore Throat, donated long, long ago by Used to Do the Invite All the Time Paul Kondis.
Other runners-up win our new “You Gotta Play to Lose” Loser Mug or our Grossery Bag, “I Got a B in Punmanship.” Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, “No Childishness Left Behind” or “Magnum Dopus.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, June 12; results published July 2 (online June 29). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline for this week’s results was sent in by both Jon Gearhart and Jesse Frankovich; the honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. “Like” Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday.
The Style Conversational The Empress’s weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv.
FOALED AGAIN! THE GRANDS OF WEEK 1222
In Week 1222, back in April, we presented (for the 23rd time) a list of horses nominated for the year’s Triple Crown races; you got to “breed” any two names and name the “foal” to reflect both names.
Then when the results ran four weeks later, it was time for Week 1226, our 12th annual “grandfoal” contest, in which you bred any two of those winning foal names. Here they are, from among 2,000 entries: puns on top of puns.
Eureka! x Fish Shtick = You Reeka! (Dave Letizia, Alexandria, Va.)
All Systems Ergo x I Like Big Buttons = No, Mr. President!
(Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)
and the memoir of a nude birder: Bomb Bard x Fillet of Seoul = Jong-Un Foolish
(Elliott Shevin, Oak Park, Mich.)
Too Loose Lautrec x Eric Clap = Tool-Ooze Lautrec (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
Horse Fly United x Love Hertz = Now Horse Rent Car
(Sarah Jay, Churchville, Md.)
Erin Go Braghless x Titan the Screw = Nip & Torque (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
Horse Fly United x Shall I Comp Thee? = No Thanks I’ll Sue (Rebecca Simmons Poppe, Hampton, Va.
, a First Offender) [it may be a first for Ms. Poppe, but as Rebecca Simmons, she won a runner-up T-shirt in Week 159, back in 1996]
REMbrandt x Don’s Surly Slight = Dutch Tweet (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
Erin Go Braghless x The Who? = Mamnesia (Tom Witte)
All Systems Ergo x Man Asses = All Systems Ego (George Smith, Frederick, Md.)
Erin Go Braghless x Baba O’Really = Bust but Verify (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
Oh Say Can You Zzz x Bed Bath N Bayonne = Sleep W The Fishes (David Peckarsky, Tucson, Ariz.; Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
Ho California x Bare It Browning = FiftyShadesOfTan (Betsy Riley, Damascus, Md., a First Offender)
Ruble Yell x Bed Bath N Bayonne = Vladimir Linen (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, Md.)
Disappearing Inc. x Help a Thief! = Going Going Goniff (Chris Doyle)
’Ell, a Beer! x P.A.T. on the Back = Two-Pint Conversion (Andrew Hoenig)
Eric Clap x Bare It Browning = Wonderbra Tonight (Harvey Smith, McLean, Va.)
Eric Clap x Ho California = LayLA (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)
Help a Thief! x Ho California = Aiding & Abedding (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.; John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)
In a Minute Dear x Oh Say Can You Zzz = Marital Bliss (David Ballard, Reston, Va.)
Jeb! Stuart x Man Asses = LookAwayLookAway (Rob Huffman)
Troy, Troy Again x Love Hertz = I Really Aikman (Stephen Dudzik)
Muck Rakin’ x No, It’s Iowa = Manure Rakin’ (Sara Jay)
Horse Fly United x Disappearing Inc. = BoeingBoeingGone! (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)
Fillet of Seoul x Help a Thief! = Gangnam Steal (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)
Good Vibe Rations x Fish Shtick = The Belch Boys (Michael Rosen, New York)
Eureka! x Don’s Surly Slight = Vacuums Suck! (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)
Punk’d-uation x Disappearing Inc. = Comma Chameleon (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.; Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.)
Ho California x Shall I Comp Thee? = Trick or Treat (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento)
No, It’s Iowa x Man Asses = Des Loines (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)
Spruuuuce!!! x Oh Say Can You Zzz = I’m a Slumberjack (Stephen Dudzik)
Rubenesque Chance x Walk Off Homer = TheFatLadySwings (Chris Doyle)
Troy, Troy Again x Ruble Yell = Trojan Hoarse (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)
Erin Go Braghless x Man Asses = Ann Teat ’Em (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
Man Asses x Muck Rakin’ = I Can See 4 Piles (Chris Doyle)
Left Right Repeat x Congrats, Loser = Peri-pathetic (Mary McNamara, Washington)
Fish Shtick x The Who? = Hard of Herring (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.)
Fish Shtick x Carnegie Endowment = It Was This Big (Harvey Smith)
Don’s Surly Slight x O Say, Can You C++ = Clod Computing (Chris Doyle)
Felon of Troy x REMbrandt = Plunder&Whitening (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.)
Fish Shtick x Good Vibe Rations = Tuna Piano (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
Bare It Browning x Rubenesque Chance = My Vast Duchess (Laurie Brink)
Koch-Conspirator x I Like Big Buttons = TrumpOrdersAKoch (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Emir Trifle x Man Asses = Sheikh Yerbuti (Mark Raffman)
Bonus Pints x ’Ell, a Beer! = IPA Lot (May Jampathom)
And Last: Congrats, Loser x Have One Skittle = Next Week’s Prize (David Ballard)
We’ll give ink to more grandfoals (plus original foals from Week 1222) next month when the Empress is on vacation.
Still running — deadline Monday night, June 5: our contest for “Gashlycrumb Tinies”-inspired alphabet couplets. See bit.ly/invite-1229.