Back in my red-carpet mercenary days, I used to be able recognize the lesser celebs, even when they were all dolled up and caked in awards-show makeup. But this TV season has reminded me that I’m slowly acquiring a showbiz version of prosopagnosia — the facial-recognition disorder — in which everyone appears to look alike.
This is especially true of the men on this year’s new shows, who are all handsome-ish, but same-ish, much like the guys on last year’s shows. (Often, they indeed are the guys on last year’s shows.) If one of them had rushed past and stolen my MacBook at this year’s TV critics press tour, I’d have had no clue what to tell the police sketch artist:
He was, oh, I guess, about 5 feet 10?
He had short hair. (Sideburns? Yes, sometimes.) His hair was dark, but almost blond.
Strong jaw. Dimpled chin. (Maybe?) Blueishy-hazelly eyes. (Almost brown.) Meticulous, three-day stubble; his beard line was a little too close to the jaw.
He was about 27. No, he was 35. No, he couldn’t have been under 30, unless he’s about 38. He has an accent, different from his American character. Possibly British (maybe Scottish), or Australian, or New Zealander. Looks like the guy on “Hawaii Five-O.” No, not that guy — the current “Hawaii Five-0.” The cardboard guy.
Trim! Yes, he was trim. Like Paul Ryan-trim. But wearing a tailored, slim-cut light gray suit with a white dress shirt, open collar, no tie.
Have you seen him?
— Hank Stuever