I would wake up late, which means someone else would walk my dog, Marco — I call him Marco Barco — because it’s just so early in the morning to do that.
My favorite brunch place is The Coupe. I really like their French toast and their omelettes. And they always give animal crackers with their hot chocolate, which is great. If I were to pick a person to dine with there, it would be pretty sweet to have a conversation with John Mulaney about his days in D.C., because when you listen to his stand-up it sounds like he was reckless!
If I were more famous in this world, I would just have had a scientific study published. I recently analyzed a bunch of my jokes to see which ones are the most effective, so one of my goals is to make that into a more formalized study and publish it. So in my ideal world, I would be invited on “The Kojo Nnamdi Show” to get interviewed, and people would be calling in to ask me all of these questions that I would be able to answer and inspire people about science humor.
Then I would visit my dog, since I didn’t take him out on the morning walk because I was sleeping. We would go out on a nice walk to Great Falls — because I do really like just being out in nature — and bring a picnic. What I want to say here is really dumb: When I was young, I used to really like Quiznos. I don’t even know if it exists anymore? But Quiznos would be open and I’d get the chicken mesquite sandwich. And I’m a huge tennis fan, so I would invite Serena Williams on my hiking date.
In this ideal world, I’m really athletic — meaning I’m not tired after that however-many-hours hike. So I’d come back to D.C. and play ultimate frisbee. We would win, of course, and I would score a lot.
My favorite restaurant in D.C. is Copycat Co. on H Street, near where I live. Their baos are so good, and they always give you Goldfish — apparently I’m really into the comfort of free stuff. I also really like the skewers because they’re nice and spicy.
I would have a show that night at Warner Theatre — that’s where I saw John Mulaney when he came. I would be headlining my own science comedy show, and John Mulaney would be at the show with me. I feel like I’m saying his name a lot? Don’t make it sound like I’m obsessed with him …