The other day, a tourist asked me for directions to the Smithsonian Castle. “Why? There’s nothing there, except a nice bathroom,” I said. “It’s got one of the few working tampon machines on the entire Mall.” At the word “tampon,” this man looked distinctly uncomfortable. So I transitioned to a more innocuous topic: corpses. “If you do go to the Castle, be sure to check out the crypt where they’ve sealed up James Smithson. That’s the Smithsonian founder. He didn’t set foot in America when he was alive but Alexander Graham Bell dragged his coffin here in the early 1900s …” My new friend thanked me and sprinted away before I could finish. Clearly, the past three years I’ve spent as your Staycationer columnist have caused my brain to become so packed with D.C. travel tips, I can’t help but spew them at innocent passersby. To relieve the pressure, I’ve compiled my most urgent advice below — tips I hope will be of some use to both tourists and locals.

Just say no to tour buses.

You know what else you can hop on and hop off of? The DC Circulator, which takes a more scenic loop around the Mall than the tour buses, and for approximately 1/40 th the price. Want narration? Download Slate’s free “D.C. Memorials” audio tour.

Rent an e-scooter.

Menace though they may be on city sidewalks, electric scooters are actually ideal for sailing down the broad, paved, car-free surfaces that abound around the Mall. Seriously, you haven’t lived until you’ve slalomed through an eighth-grade tour group on one of these sweet rides.

The interior of the Jefferson Building is one of the most beautiful and colorful spaces in the city. No surface goes unadorned in this Italianate monument to the liberal arts. Plus, they have a Gutenberg Bible on display, one of only three perfect vellum copies left in the world!

Don’t be a herd animal.

Sheeple form lines for no apparent reason. Make sure there’s a point to a queue before joining it.

Exhibit A: There’s often a line in front of the Barack Obama portrait at the National Portrait Gallery. If you don’t need a selfie with the painting (and you don’t), stand beside the line and take in the artwork from a slightly oblique angle.

Exhibit B: At the National Archives, you do have to stand in line to get into the atrium that holds the Constitution. But once you’re in there, don’t stay in line. Most people follow a slow-moving queue around a bunch of glass cases filled with replicas instead of walking directly to the original document, which is at the center along the back wall.

Take a free guided tour.

Free tours are offered at most major D.C. tourist sites, but few people take advantage of them. Don’t worry about getting stuck with a dud of a docent — if you get bored, thank your guide and peel off. Wandering on your own is allowed at most sites, though there are some notable exceptions. For instance, on tours of Congress, the Pentagon and the Bureau of Engraving and Printing, you’re expected to stick with your group. Incidentally, these locked-down destinations are eminently skippable: The congressional tour focuses mostly on undistinguished statuary, the Pentagon is just an overgrown cubicle farm, and paper money is so last-century.

Breeze through the Mount Vernon orientation center.

There’s nothing notable in the first building you’ll enter at George Washington’s country estate — just some statues and a scale model of the president’s home. Save your steps for the sprawling plantation, and leave some time to browse the expansive museum near the farm’s exit.

Avoid the infotainment at Ford’s Theatre.

The building’s small basement museum is filled with aging multimedia exhibits. Instead, spend your limited time with the actual artifacts — macabre objects including John Wilkes Booth’s pistol — you’ll find near the exit.

Stop and smell the flowers.

Expertly tended gardens flank nearly every Smithsonian building. My favorite is the Enid A. Haupt Garden, with its geometrical grids of plants and shrubbery, flanked by saucer magnolias that blossom extravagantly in the spring. Even in this well-peopled space, you can usually find solitude in the Moongate Garden, which is framed by stone arches that look like portals to another world.

Worth the wait:

The Washington Monument and the National Museum of African American History and Culture. (You can get tickets online for both these venues, and you should aim to go early in the day, before things get backed up.)

Not worth the wait:

Georgetown Cupcake. (Baked & Wired is better.)

Worth the money:

The Air and Space Museum’s interactive fighter airplane simulators ($10), Smithsonian sleepovers ($120), DC Ducks duck boat tours ($33-$45).

Not worth the money:

All of the Smithsonian’s non-interactive simulators ($7-$12), Madame Tussauds ($22), the National Law Enforcement Museum ($21.95).

How to get a White House tour:

Know someone who works there or request a tour through your congressional representative. If you don’t have a representative because you live in D.C., you may be out of luck. I tried for two years to get a tour through Del. Eleanor Holmes Norton, to no avail. Do you have a workaround? Let me know!

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