IN OUR CELEBRITY-OBSESSED CULTURE, to the stars of sex tapes go the spoils — if spoils come in the form of reality television shows on E!, that is.
Kim Kardashian, former best friend of Paris Hilton, daughter of O.J. Simpson‘s lawyer Robert Kardashian and star of a sex tape with Brandy‘s little brother Ray J, stars in the Ryan Seacrest-produced “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” which follows Kim and her family (siblings Kourtney, Khloe and Robert Jr., half-sisters Kendall and Kylie, mother Kris, stepfather Bruce Jenner and stepbrother Brody Jenner) throughout the moments of their superficial little lives. (Seriously, are these people at all self-aware?)
As the show enters its third season on E!, Kim’s 15 minutes have continued — and are now captured in DVD form as the show’s first season came out Oct. 7. Though only eight episodes long, the collection firmly captures all of Kim and Co.’s dumbest instances from the series’ debut — from the simply self-absorbed to the downright despicable.
In compiling five of the season’s most brain-numbing moments, Express viewed this monstrosity so you wouldn’t have to. Feel free to watch some “Jeopardy!” or something after reading this to boost your IQ up a few points; you’ll probably need it to regain equilibrium.
» Keeping It “Professional”
In “Managing Mom,” the second episode of the first season, Kim looks into finding herself a new manager to replace her mother, Kris. But after Kris walks in on Kim interviewing a possible replacement, talent manager Robert Tisdale, Kim remarks to the camera, “I mean, I feel bad, I really do, but if I had a different manager, they would have a whole staff of people; they would just be a little bit more professional.” Is the woman who starred in a sex-tape with a D-list R&B crooner (while he chewed gum and wore white gym socks, no less) really striving for professionalism when it comes to her career? There are no words. Really, just none.
» Does This Spider Make Me Look Fat?
As Kim, Khloe, Kourtney and Kris travel to Mexico for a “Girls Gone Wild!” photo shoot, Brody stays home to tend to the younger Kendall and Kylie in the season’s third episode, “Brody in the House.” But upon arriving at the house where they’re staying, Kris plays a prank on Kim, telling her there’s a spider on her shoulder — causing her daughter to flip out and burst into tears, shocking the welcoming mariachi band into silence. As a frantic Kim sobs, “I’m already fat enough; I don’t want to be put on steroids because of a spider bite,” even her sisters can’t hold back a snicker or two. They probably hate her, right? And might be slipping lard into her food (we would).
» “A … Whatever They Are”
Also in “Brody in the House,” Bruce travels to Mexico to meet up with Kris, Khloe, Kourtney and Kim — after learning that his wife lied to him about the true nature of the Mexico trip. But when Kourtney tries to defend the “Girls Gone Wild!” photo shoot as classy, she receives one of Bruce’s best “What the hell?” looks (an impressive feat, considering the former Olympian always looks confused as to how he got himself into this Kardashian-populated mess). As Kourtney blandly-yet-defensively explains, “You know that we would never do anything that would make us, like, not classy, and you know, we’re just not like that. … This is very tasteful, what we’re doing,” Bruce’s look of utter disdain is pretty awesome. At least someone’s keeping it real.
In another moment of bitter honesty comes a gem from designer Ashley Page, who is overseeing the photo shoot but is continuously annoyed with what seems like the Kardashians’ lazy behavior — for example, the girls flirt and lounge around the house instead of working (if you can really call wearing bathing suits and posing in front of a camera legitimate employment). It’s sheer glory when an exasperated Ashley exclaims, “I can’t keep up with these girls; there’s like, three of them; they’re all over the place. That’s the difference between a working model who makes their living off working and a … whatever they are.” Preach, Ashley, preach!
» A Triflin’ Friend Indeed
Kris married Robert Kardashian when she was 23 and was plunged into a life of the rich and the famous. Marrying Bruce Jenner, a former Olympian, just helped things along. So is it really surprising that Kim, her own daughter, would encourage the topless Kris during a sexy photo shoot in the season’s fourth episode, “Birthday Suit,” to keep “going for the gold, digging for gold. … You should be used to that”? It may be a ditzy joke or a shockingly clever moment for Kim; either way, her comment does suggest whether love actually has anything to do with it (we’re going to put in a vote for not).
» Where’s Howard At?
A socialite isn’t a socialite without a DUI (count ’em: Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Mischa Barton, etc.), so it’s almost to be expected that Khloe Kardashian went to the clink for the crime in the season’s fifth episode, “Remembering Dad.” But her comment to the camera about what happened before she got pulled over makes one think her choice of slang is also a little bit under the influence — of stupidity, that is: “I’m halfway home, and all of a sudden, I’m really buzzed. I see a cop car behind me, the lights go on, and all I’m thinking is, ‘F— a duck!'” What does that even mean? Is this some kind of drunken homage to Howard the Duck’s confusing sexual relationship with Lea Thompson in that horrendous ’80s flick? Seriously, did they do it? Because that’s just awkward.
Written by Express contributor Roxana Hadadi
Photos courtesy E!