This week’s snooze fest of an episode, “Dirty Pad” actually contained a scene about a used feminine hygiene product. And that was the high point.
A VERY SPECIAL ‘JERSEY SHORE'; THE SITUATION BREWS SOME HATERADE
While Vinny sulks about his lost ladylove, the couples go out to dinner for Jose’s birthday. Mr. Fossil Watch tells Playa-pimp Ronnie that he’s unhappy with the rules Angelina has given him about other girls. Ronnie knows what’s up: Jose’s “getting played like a piano.” And if anyone knows how to tickle those ivories …
Jose wants a birthday present only Angelina can provide, so they stay in the smoosh room. “Unfortunately I was really tired,” Angelina says adding that it’s time of the month, which, as we find out, isn’t a lie. So close, Jose.
The next morning The Situation prods Angelina for info. Apparently the kids are keeping a smoosh score. Angelina lies about smashing Jose and then lies about lying to Jose. But for once, her deceit makes sense. You see kids, this is a very special episode about double standards. Angelina is faulted by the gentleman for behaving exactly as they do. But instead of a high five or an exuberant “Bro!”, she gets shamed.
The Situation is all for double standards and leads the charge against Angelina. But it’s not just the guys. Snooki calls her a loosey goose and a whore. Jwoww recognizes the double standard, but must conclude: “You’re giving them a reason to humiliate you.” Pauly joins in to hate on Angelina after a night at the club. He faults her for dancing with multiple guys. “I don’t want you to get an infection.”
Later, Angelina’s friend from home Gina visits. Angelina’s mom calls and the bullied roommate starts to cry. Angelina misses home, and who wouldn’t with the hate spewed at her on a regular basis. I hate the guys for the double standard, but I really hate them for making me defend Angelina!
Angelina recovers enough to go to the club, where she adds fuel to the fire when she tries to get with Dennis. You may remember Dennis from such activities as smooshing with Snooki. Snooks pooh-poohs this. She has standards and turns down many a grenade at the club.
JWOWW’S GOT A MAN
After Pauly drags Snooks out of bed, she and Jwoww go get their nails did for Tom’s visit. Jenni is excited to see her boyfriend, giddy even! But shortly after Tom arrives he finds a number in Jwoww’s phonebook that he didn’t want her to have. She never called it, but he doesn’t care. Tom flips his balding lid. He threatens to leave, but Jwoww protests. I mean, she cleaned her room and everything! To soothe her angry man, Jwoww picks his nose. He spanks her. Fight over.
Later, Tom and Jenni try to smoosh, but Snooks interrupts them by drunkenly grabbing their feet. Snooks is embarrassed, so she goes to Vinny’s comfy bed and hogs it all night.
BOYS WILL BE BOYS (AND BY BOYS, I MEAN TERRIBLE)
The Situation takes a break from hating on Angelina, to go the club where he’s got ladies all around him — even a Canadian! Like the gentlemen he is, he takes our neighbor from up north to the bathroom for a little romance. Sadly, he is thwarted by security.
If I had to give a Least Terrible Guy award, it would go to Pauly D. He is sad to see Vinny red-cupping his problems away, so he takes the time to comfort a wounded Vinny with a little beach trip. He loses points for calling Angelina and her friend, who are also sunning, “beached whales.” Bros before hos.
Mr. Hypocrite Ronnie and Sammi are conspicuously out of the picture. Despite trying to give Sam Vinny’s old flowers — he paid for them! — they are falling back in love. Is this good, Sam wonders? Are you serious, I wonder back at her?
The next day, the boys go run errands. The house is a mess, but the boys need to GTL. (Is this the first time they have all season?!) They return to find a note on the gate from The Situation’s lost love, Samantha! The Situation interprets the note thusly: “Here’s my number. Please call me so we can bang real quick.” Pauly uses the bang-note (from Samantha!) to play a little joke on the lovebirds. Sammi is not amused.
The Situation calls his girl and sets up the deal. But needs to clean up and goes into the bathroom. There he sees Angelina’s used pad in the bathroom and is disgusted. He puts it in her bed with Pauly egging him on. Angelina returns to the house with a dude she met from the beach and finds the offending hygiene product. She’s a little embarrassed. (So, that’s what it takes to shame her.) A fight ensues that includes Angelina claiming to have cleaned up “garbages,” dirty tampon talk thrown around and The Situation calling Angelina a “dirty little hamster.”
It’s hard to believe that The Situation, who usually stays out of the drama, would start such a stupid fight. But Angelina haterade is on tap and everyone’s drinking it. Sure she’s annoying, but I can’t help but feel for the girl. No one deserves to have a used pad put in her bed. No one!
» NEXT TIME: The Situation’s loud smoosh; Angelina and Snooki brawl.
» Ronnie on the smoosh room flowers: “God only know what’s on these because they were just on the bed for three hours — my children, Mike’s children, Snooki juice. ”
» Angelina’s rhetorical question about the smoosh room: “Is the bed grimy?”
» Jose in the smoosh room: “All right tell me when.” Angelina: “Give me a minute.” Jose: “I’m waiting.”
» Pauly on his gravity defying hair: “How the hell do I wake up and my hair’s still done?”
» The Situation on double standards: “It’s not sad that there’s a double standard. Everybody knows there’s a double standard. Everybody loves a guy that gets girls. He’s the man; he’s the pimp. Everybody doesn’t like a girl that’s a ho.”
» Tom to Snooks: “Do you always sleep with sunglasses on?”
» Snooki on an unfortunate accident: “I thought I broke my vagina bone.”
» Pauly D’s got a lady friend: “I don’t want to turn her into a stalker. I have a tendency to do that.”
» The Situation as Captain Obvious: “If you don’t go to the gym, you don’t look good. If you don’t tan, you’re pale. And if you don’t do laundry, you ain’t got no clothes.”
» My new favorite character, the laundry lady: “No ropa para The Situation.” He replies: “No bueno!”
» Angelina on The Situation: “You look like Popeye on crack.”
Written by Express contributor Sarah Anne Hughes
Photo courtesy MTV