‘Tis the season for intern spotting! This D.C. pastime is an exciting exercise in biological classification. Internus can be seen grabbing vacant seats on the Metro at rush hour or falling out of Georgetown haunts on weekends. But behavioral patterns do not properly identify the genus during its migratory summer. Internus must be identified by dress.

Internus are indigenous to Washington. There are multiple species, the most common being “Hillium,” “Hospitalius” and “Helpfuldogooderis.” (Most Internus journalia have been devoured by the bloglodytes.) To distinguish between “H’s,” use this rule of thumb: Hillium wear suits and are often inebriated. Hospitalius wear scrubs and tend to be stressed. Helpfuldogooderis carry “Obama 2008” or Greenpeace tote bags and shower bi-weekly.

We can further classify species by “paidium” or “unpaidium.” “Unpaidium” feign importance by wearing suits borrowed from their parents. This subspecies also wears conspicuous badges certifying unpaid employment.

While internus are easily mocked, we must be kind, as they will soon blossom into taxpaying members of the “Beltwayic Insidium” family.