What’s missing here is what your fiance — the soon-to-be-stepfather of your child — has to say about all this. Because it’s simply not fair (we’re talking fraudulent-Kardashian-marriage unfair) for you to wed with secret plans to push his mother away afterward. In fact, it’s probably unrealistic and potentially problematic to boycott her completely; you want to aim not for a wholesale condemnation of her being (though she sounds like a peach!), but rather specific boundaries about her behaviors. So she still gets to be Grandma, but cigarettes are for outside; “shoot” and “fudge” need to become part of her vocabulary; and any racist remarks will end the visit for the day.
Very One-Sided Sibling Rivalry
I’m HUGELY jealous of my younger sister. I would never admit that to her, of course. Instead, I am a pretty big jerk to her and don’t let her get close. She already has her life together in a way I feel like I never will. She’s wanted to have a real relationship with me for a long time, but I don’t know how to get past my feelings of anger. —Mean Big Sis
This is one of the most honest letters I’ve gotten in a long time. You’ve already done so much of the work by allowing yourself to recognize the dynamic that’s at play. If you’re ready to do more, write her a letter. You need not bare all, but give her a hint of your vulnerability and your hope for the future. (“I know I don’t always give back what you put in; I struggle with your success sometimes, but it’s something I want to work on, and it doesn’t make me love you any less.”) Then take the small steps: a 15-minute phone call; a funny email that doesn’t involve a forward; an earnest “How are you?” that waits for a real answer. And realize two things: that her life is probably not as easy as it seems, and that a therapist could really help if the anger refuses to budge.