On ABC’s singing competition “Duets,” the stars personally pick contestants, DUET WITH THEM, then pass judgment. The premiere aired last Thursday; episode No. 2 is tonight at 8 p.m. Let’s meet the judges.

Country singer Jennifer Nettles: Golly, I’ve never even heard of you! You sure like sparkly clothes. You sure sing purty. You sure cry a lot, but no wonder. You had to choose between two sad contestants: a fatherless man who almost died of tonsillitis until God saved him, or a man with a 5-month-old baby and another ON THE WAY who wanted ONE LAST CHANCE to prove he can support his family by singing. (P.S. Tonsillitis man won.)

”American Idol” Kelly Clarkson (above right): You’re so cute! Why’d you tell a female contestant “I’d give my left leg to look like you”? Maybe Dr. Drew can rehab your self-esteem.

Soul man John Legend: Your beefy duet partner sweats buckets while you shed nary a drop. How do you stay so cool?

R&B singer Robin Thicke (above left): Your pompadour is funny! So is your grammar! The drinking game for “Duets” should be: Imbibe every time Thicke says “her and I.”