“True Blood’s” Season 5 opener airs Sunday (9 p.m., HBO). It’s full of shocking twists!! Accordingly, exec producer Alan Ball asks that TV critics “not reveal any plot surprises.”

And yet … Ball says it is “acceptable to mention” that feisty human waitress Tara, who had half her head blown off last season, “is a part of the show” — as long as we don’t say “how.”

So it occurred to me: We can preview Sunday’s show via the classic kids’ game Mad Libs. Readers, fill in the blanks!

Dominatrix vampire Pam wears a Walmart sweatsuit to prepare for being _____ed with _____.

Nordic vampire Eric Northman (Alexander Skarsgard, above) assumes the alias “Ike Applebaum” so he can _____. (No, the answer is not “have a bar mitzvah.”)

Northman and sister Nora have an unusual relationship that involves _____ing “like champions.”

Noted horndog Jason Stackhouse eschews sex with a hot sorority girl ’cause he’s trying not to be an _____.

Burying evil vampire king Russell Edgington in cement turned out to be a _____idea.

In conclusion, I can’t _____wait for the rest of the season to unfurl!