This is reason enough to never set foot in your kitchen again.
This is reason enough to never set foot in your kitchen again.

“Jurassic Park 3D” opened last week, 20 years after the flat version stomped into theaters. I will not be seeing it. Though 2-D-to-3-D conversion has gotten immeasurably better, it still tends to give me a headache. Also, a raptor might eat me.

I was 16 when I saw “Jurassic Park,” and my sister was 13. We saw it separately because eww who wants to hang out with their little sister, but we were forever bonded in the fear that a raptor might eat us. Our family lived in the deeply wooded wilds of Northern Virginia, and one of our chores was to take the recycling to the end of the relatively long driveway. After we saw “Jurassic Park,” the driveway got even longer and more raptor-filled, greatly increasing the chances that a raptor might eat us.

Even now that we’re voting, taxpaying, child-raising adults, it’s pretty easy for us to freak each other out. All I have to do is casually mention that her charmingly secluded house looks like a great place for raptors to hang out and suddenly her moving to New England seems like a pretty poor choice. Because now a raptor might eat her.

“Jurassic Park,” you might say, is a film that stayed with me. I remember the all-out wonder I felt at that first glimpse of the (non-raptor) dinosaurs, accompanied by John Williams’ John Williams-y score. The movie was fun and funny and technologically mind-blowing.

But I won’t go see it again. You should, though. Just don’t go at night. That’s when the raptors come out.

If you want to laugh so loudly that you’ll alert any nearby raptors to your presence, go to YouTube and search for “Jurassic Park melodica cover.” You’re welcome.