Know your role

Jamie Sullivan (Mandy Moore) and Landon Carter (Shane West) get sad in the 2002 film adaptation of Nicholas Sparks’ book “A Walk to Remember.”

Nicholas Sparks, who’s appearing Saturday at Sixth and I, makes bajillions of dollars off his tear-jerking novels, eight of which have been adapted into movies. (“Dear John,” “A Walk to Remember” and “The Notebook” are three memorable ones.) Ahead of his conversation with NBC Washington’s Angie Goff about his new novel, “The Longest Ride” (which sounds … sad), we’ve provided a useful test for fans, should you ever find yourself a character in one of Sparks’ books.

How are you feeling today?
A. Strong. I like to keep in shape by punching people of a different socioeconomic class than myself.
B. I’m pretty healthy … except for this love-shaped hole in my heart.
C. Now that you mention it, I’ve been a little tired.

How’s your love life?
A. I’ve been dating my childhood sweetheart for five years and nothing will ever come between us. DO YOU HEAR ME?
B. No one seems to fit this love-shaped hole in my heart.
C. I’m single right now, but I have hope that I will find true love. Probably soon.

Where do you see yourself in five years?
A. Working at my dad’s business, punching people of a different socioeconomic class than myself.
B. I’d like to find something that fits this love-shaped hole in my heart.
C. [cough]

What’s Your Fate?

Mostly A’s: You are the blue-collar, salt-of-the-earth obstacle that the central characters must overcome — like Tierney (David Lyons) in “Safe Haven,” above — or you are the white-collar, rich obstacle that the central characters must overcome. Either way, you’re probably a jerk.

Mostly B’s: You will find love. Then you will lose it in some manner involving death. You’ll probably learn a Big Lesson from it, so there’s that.

Mostly C’s: Um, how do we put this? The good news is that you really don’t have to save for retirement.