While the holidays are a time of joy and love and cheer, there’s also a lot of sucky stuff. Just ask Matt Bellassai, comedian and author of the new book “Everything Is Awful: And Other Observations.” The New York-based social media virtuoso, 27, emerged from BuzzFeed’s wine-induced “Whine About It” videos, and has since made a full-time profession out of getting drunk and complaining about life with his “Unhappy Hour” podcast and “To Be Honest” web series. Bellassai — who’s bringing his “Everything Is Awful” comedy tour to the 9:30 Club on Thursday — divulged to us several aspects of the season that can turn anyone into a big bah-humbug.
Intrusive relatives are awful
“I hate one question in particular: ‘Have you met anybody?’ Like, let me be the one who will make the announcement when that happens. You will know. I will issue a press release that I have met someone.”
Holiday hype is awful
“I feel like my mom starts talking about Thanksgiving, like, two months in advance. ‘What are we going to do? Who’s coming?’ And by the time we get there, it’s always the same every year. Nothing changes. Everybody shows up at 2 p.m. and is gone by 7 p.m. And I’m like, all of this madness over nothing. It’s a meal. It’s a big meal, but it’s a meal.”
Holiday travel is awful
“The past month, I’ve been on an airplane almost every day, so I’m like a pro. I know exactly where to whip my bag so I don’t hit anybody in the face. But honestly, it’s around the holidays where the most people who are not pros are traveling. My No. 1 pet peeve is when people get off the airplane, walk down the hallway thing, get to the entrance in the airport and then stand right in front of the door while they figure out which way to go. No. Step aside.”
Shopping is awful
“There’s just all of the work and none of the thrill when you have to give a gift to someone else. …My parents [are hard to shop for]. Like, what are your hobbies? I feel like when I have to ask the question ‘What should I get this person?’ it’s like suddenly I have never met them and I have no idea what they’re interested in.”
Cooking is awful
“I avoid it at all costs. I’m here to eat what everybody else makes. I’ll compliment you and make you feel good about the work that you did, but I am not the one standing in front of an oven. Which is better for everyone, honestly.”
Dinner-table politics are awful
“Especially in the current climate — we just need a blanket rule that we can only talk about the food that is on the table and that is it. Because I’m also the type of person where my claws will come out at the table if I disagree with someone. So I at least want to make sure we get to dessert before I have to punch someone in the face because they say something that’s idiotic.”
Getting gifts as an adult is awful
“Honestly, I think I’ve reached the age where new socks are the best gift that you could get. That’s how you know you’re an adult.”
9:30 Club, 815 V St. NW; Thu., 7 p.m., $40 (includes copy of book).