Give praise! 2018 is over, and it took only about 27 years.
Wildfires raged; kids marched for their lives; families were separated at the border. Mueller investigated; Omarosa told all; Tillerson got dumped on Twitter. Kavanaugh and Ford spoke; the Queen of Soul and the maverick of the Senate passed; dragon energy permeated the Oval Office.
Throughout it all, the Bad Men list grew longer, engagements got shorter and regularly scheduled events — the Olympics! The World Cup! Combative presidential news conferences! — plodded along.
Sure, we got distracted. We humans always do. Arie proposed. Ari accepted. Stormy sued. Stormi debuted. But even that stuff made time’s march slow and painful. “Black Panther,” Yanni or Laurel, the royal wedding? All of that happened in the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Eighteen. Trust us, we checked the dates. We have rapidly aged.
And just when we’ve figured out how to stomach all this news, here comes 2020, hurtling toward us like a tornado of Iowa double-bacon corn dogs. So grab the antacid and enjoy 2019 while you can, babies. It’ll last only a year.