Outlook • Perspective

All the things I will definitely accomplish this summer.

Julia Edelman is a comedy writer based in Los Angeles.

Cover illustration by Jean Jullien for The Washington Post

Illustration by Jean Jullien for The Washington Post

“This is the summer I’ll get a ‘beach body!’ ”

I will scroll through a few vegan food blogs in bed before I pass out with my laptop open. Sometimes, I will walk by a juice bar and consider buying something that has “activated charcoal” in it, and then realize that I could just grind up some charcoal from Home Depot myself! I will go to the beach twice.

“This is the week I will install my air conditioner!”

My AC unit will sit in the corner of my closet for the next two months. I will try, drunkenly, to install it but give up when it almost falls out the window. I will continue to talk about my air conditioner to everyone I know, but then will get lazy and try to stay cool by just lying on my bed as still as possible.

Illustration by Jean Jullien for The Washington Post

“I will spend more time outside!”

I will rarely look outside my window but will consider going outdoors if the weather app on my phone confirms that it’s pretty nice out. I will finally convince myself that I need to see live animals instead of just watching them on “Planet Earth,” leave my apartment long enough to consider petting a stray cat, then wonder how soon I can shower again.

“This is the week I will break up with Kevin!”

I will not break up with Kevin. He has incredible, reliable central AC, and that is very hard to find these days!

Illustration by Jean Jullien for The Washington Post

“I will spend less money on alcohol!”

I will spend more money on alcohol to distract myself from the fact that I still don’t have air conditioning and can’t manage to break up with Kevin. It will help a little bit.

“I’ll go on more weekend trips!”

I will tell Kevin I am going upstate for the weekend, but really, I will just go to a friend’s apartment a few blocks away, where we will stay in bed and watch “30 Rock.”

Illustration by Jean Jullien for The Washington Post

“I will find a great beach read and finish it before summer is over!”

I will pick a book that makes me look smarter than I am, read the foreword five times and then scroll through Twitter until my body forces me to put my phone down out of sheer exhaustion.

“This will be a really meaningful, unforgettable summer!”

I can’t wait for winter.