On funny people
11/24/2015, 5:48 PM
Good article, Geoff.
Thanks, Norm.
Do you still want a list of guys to talk to?
Yes!
David Letterman, Dennis Miller, Louis CK, Chris Rock, Jim Downey ( who is the smartest person in comedy and you should do a piece on him) Adam Eget, who runs the comedy store and knows nearly every comic alive
Adam's number is ***-***-****.
Conan O'brien.
Judd Apatow thinks properly my stand-up special " Me Doing Stand-Up" is on par with Pryor.
Oh, I forgot. You.
Your own eyes and ears.
Those are already working overtime.
Roseanne? Saget? Sandler? Spade?
All of them. And Carvey, Schneider, Sandler.
You have to watch "Me doingStand-Up". Will you promise me that you will watch that stand-up special?
Well, I already did. Does that count?
I'll watch it again.
On Letterman
11/24/2015, 6:06 PM
Oh, I forgot about Jon Stewart.
But all opinions on comedy are secondary to David Laytermsn's.
Dave is a hard get. But you have my word I will push and push and push
That should read Letterman. Laytermsn doesn't know s***.
So what do we do when you come to LA. I recently moved to a very small apartment, which I love. But I know longer have the dish, which I hate. Plus, we watch football? What the f***?
What are you doing right now?
Going to pick up a kid who I own. You want to get on the phone a little later and figure this out.
Just talked to Sandler.
I don't want to do something that you're uncomfortable with. We just need to figure out some time to chat but isn't between a set or when you are really rushed.
We do not need to watch football!
Sandler said he could get you a quote, best he can do. He's been burned, Geoff.
Let's think on that. I hate canned quotes… maybe we can come back to him later on.
On planning
11/30/2015, 4:51 PM
Hey Norm... What's your address for Friday? Just trying to plot out my LA day and what time to leave my early afternoon appointment. Geoff
What do you want to do?
Do you have a car. I don't have a car. I don't know how to drive.
11/30/2015, 5:28 pm
Where did you go?
11/30/2015, 5:34 pm
Sorry. Was trying to teach the 5 year old how to draw a fish.
I thought we could meet at your place. Talk some. Then do whatever you want. Really. I'd be fine buying you dinner. Going to a comedy club. Ballgame. Or nothing.
Talking to your editor, Laura, later this week.
I will have a rental car.
But I have to stress. Feel no pressure to "do something" Friday. All I care about is talking.
Ok. Right. Gotcha. What time do you want to do it?
Would 7 work? Is that too late? We can spend a few hours and then I'll head to my hotel. I'm staying near LAX.
I love that this story is going to allow me to talk to David Letterman and Billy Joe Shaver.
What hotel are you going to stay at?
Marriott at LAX.
No, 7 is not too late. Where should we go?
Can you choose? I'm an outsider. Is there a place near your place that's good? Wherever you're most comfortable and we can talk.
And what's your address?
My address is **** ******* ******** ********
If we start at 7 when should we finish.
Also, don't forget my elevator is broken.
Is that a code? I am a huge fan of stairs.
Let's talk until you get tired of me. You're close to LAX so it'll be easy for me to cut out whenever. 11?
Haha. No, my literal elevator is broken literally.
But you have no plane to go to.
You told me you were driving Fabio around.
I am going to make a pledge which I may not keep. To make sure the word literal is in this story. It may have to be a quote.
Yes. My crazy schedule requires I turn in my rental car at 5:15 am Saturday near LAX and the take a cab to Fabio. Then I will drive with Fabio and his two Rottweilers for 14 straight hours to Washington state to see his waterfall. Literally.
Hahahaha.
You may think it's literal but of course it won't be.
Fabio's figurative waterfall. Is that a haiku?
And before I see you I am most likely going to see Henry Winkler's spider plant. It was smuggled out of Nazi Germany in a coffin.
Wow. These guys are interesting. I have nothing. I have the OED. It's the most expensive thing I own.
You have words. You don't need a plant.
One of Kilmers lesser known works?
You lost me, unless you mean Val.
Joyce. Duh
I am shamed
It's ok. Her only work says sh'a bit as good as a tree.
Not as good as a tree
Val is the cool one, anyway. You should do a story about Jan
Michael Vincent. Do you like him?
I don't know him. You? I have a weak spot for that Oliver Stone doors movie. Something about the way it shows California/Venice beach in the 60s.
On Bob Dylan secrecy
12/1/2015, 4:03 PM
Need to know something…
I am about to request a phone interview with Bob Dylan about you.
Is that story about going over his house and listening to honky-tonk heroes true?
And is your boy named after Thomas or Bob?
I cannot comment on that story but my son was named after Thomas.
Are you in LA now? Also, are you sick, either by cold or flu?
In Boston still. And not sick.
Everyone out here is sick. I'm glad you're not sick, for yourself, but I guess selfishly also.
I am not a germophobe but I do my best to avoid all sickness.
Oh, I do, too, yes. I don't like that the call people germophobe or hypochondriac, as if it is a mental illness since there is no way you could get legitimately sick.
all a person hS is early detection.
On food and medical advice
12/4/2015, 5:46 AM
Are we still doing this? I haven't heard from you in ages. If you don't feel like it, I completely understand. But I think it was supposed to be for tomorrow.
Definitely. I'm just heading out the door to the airport. (It's 5 am here). I'm looking forward to it. So see you tonight around 7. Geoff
Oh, good, good, then. We'll have great fun. You will come to my apartment, which is very small but much bigger than the two of us combined. Afterward, we will go and eat. I am still working on a restaurant. Do you like Italian food?
Italian is excellent.
Oh, good, good. Are you carrying blood thinners on you?
I am not… I'm going to throw caution to the wind for this trip.
If my words are a few now… It is because I am driving a stick shift, it is pitch black and I want to survive to reach you.
Ok, I'm sure everything will be fine. Just fine. On the way back, though. Definitely on the way back. You fly so often, Geoff, that it is imperative. Pulmonary Embolisms are no respecter of a man's vocation, after all.
You have now given me something more to worry about. At least I know it comes from the right place – a deep abiding love of the pharmaceutical Industry
Oh, goodness, no more texting then. I will be up early tomorrow to go and shoot a promo for the Canadian Oscars, which I am hosting. But this is news to no one. If you like or have time, drive by and watch Canadian Television being promoted. I will be with my good friend Steve, a great friend and fine writer as well.
As well as you, I mean.
Oh, no need to worry at all. But from now on, you must use if regularly, giving you something less to worry about.
No more texting then. Text tomorrow when you land.
On book editors
12/10/2015, 7:38 PM
Laura is a nice person. We had to reschedule but sounds like you're in good hands.
You're not gonna win a Pulitzer with filth like that. Laura is an innocent girl and no one is " in her hands."
On Russian Literature
12/11/2015 5:54 PM
Did you ever read the story about the fellow who bought an overcoat and it changed his entire life.
?
No. I'd like to.
Well then I will tell you.
12/11/2015, 6:03 PM
Are you still there?
Yes
So about the overcoat...
Well, there was this fellow, you understand, who held a job in the government.
It was a job that would not be missed if it was to be made redundant. And the man knew it. He was a paper-pusher, as they say.
In the office where he worked, he worked alone.
His job did not intersect with any of his colleagues.
He was the type of man with the type of job that men like you me, Geoff, should keep in mind whenever the hyenas of self-pity circle and approach.
Why did you stop typing?
Because sometimes you should shut up and listen.
The fellow was not laughed at, nothing like that. He was just ignored. Who knows which is worse.
But he sat and he worked and was not noticed or greeted from 9 until 5.
There is a Christmas party approaching and the man becomes sad, as he does every Christmas party, because he knows he will be at the office, alone with the others, without work to distract him from the thought of this fact.
The day before the party he trudged through the grey streets and the wet snow is on his face and he looks on a shop window and sees
An overcoat.
He is. Frugal man and not well paid but he decides entering the store to get a closer look will cost him nothing so he enters and takes a closer look at
The overcoat.
The salesman pays him much attention which only serves to make the man sad, of course. He tries on the overcoT.
The overcoat
When he puts it on the salesman says how wonderful it looks, how it appears to have been made for the man himself.
And...
The other salesman all agree but the man has lived a loveless life and cynicism has hardened him to the compliments of sales folk.
But he had to admit that his image in the mirror looked quite nice.
And, then, other customers began to say how good the man looked, and the man was bewildered, and in an impulse bough the overcoat.
Did you leave?
Nope
He wore the overcoat to the Christmas party.
Everyone at the party was charmed by the overcoat and by the man who wore it.
Did you leave?
Secretaries flirted with him, colleagues asked him questions and planned drinks at a local bar and the boss even asked him to join him for holf.
Golf
It was the finest the man had felt since he was a child and he walked home with a smile on his face and talked to himself, replaying different conversations he'd had during the party.
A gang of never-do/wells spotted and attacked him. They beat him up badly but worst of all they stole the overcoat.
The man fell into a snowbank and allowed himself to cry.
The end.
Norm, thank you for that story. It made my Friday night, though I am glad I didn't read it in real time to the kids.
That was the first story I read when I was a kid. It's called The Overcoat, written by Gogol.
Damn. Gogol.
How old were you and who gave it to you.
Those Russians. They're so happy go lucky.
?
Haha. When I was a kid I'd go to the library and purposely read from the adult section because I thought it would make me an adult. Haha.
On SNL's 40th-anniversary special
12/11/2015, 8:57 PM
Do you want Dennis Miller's phone number?
Yessir
Don't tell him I told you the number. Also don't tell him I told you to tell him the following. But tell him I did tell you. I. The 40th, when introducing Chevy I tried to say Dennis Millers name and how port any he was to update and Seth Meyers interrupted me.
Did Meyers do in to block anyone from hearing Miller's name or inadvertently.
12/11/2015, 11:09 PM
I wanted to mention Dennis but just as Zi was about to, Seth interrupted me. I wasn't going off cards so Seth didn't know I was going to mention Dennis. Seth just thought I was "rambling".
12/12/2015, 7:25 AM
It was not until I was on air live how strange is felt not having Dennis there.
12/12/2015, 11:21 PM
Do you want Dennis's phone number or not?
Yes. Send it. Thanks.
On writing and tweeting
12/28/2015, 8:42 PM
So I'm curious. Why did you delete all your old tweets?
Oh I always delete my tweets but I hadn't for a while and now it would take me too long. I'd like to delete my book.
On Lorne
12/31/2015, 6:40 PM
I love Lorne but have no idea what he'll say. When I did update it was the only time he didn't have control over that part of the show. Due to Downy. I will be very interested in what Lorne says. Very smart and friendly to me but not sure he liked my exit strategy that much.
How is your holiday shaping up?
Good. I try to do nothing dramatic, particularly on New Years. Go nowhere. Just relax with family and watch movies and read. We will walk up the street for a bite with friends and then home before ball drops.
It has been 17 years since your exit strategy. I hope Lorne will be into taking more about you as a comedian and human.
That sounds like a great New Years.
1/1/2016, 7:13 AM
As concerns Lorne, all the things said about him don't interest me and I think miss where the success of Lorne lies. He is one of the funniest people ever. And he has better taste in comedy than anyone. The latter is obvious. But the most interesting thing about Lorne Michaels to me is that when I am with him, I always find myself genuinely laughing. When people think of the funniest people to ever be at SNL, they overlook Lorne, whose right there fighting for top spot.
On jokes for children
3/8/2016, 7:55 PM
I have a joke for your daughter.
ok. Shall I hand her the phone or read it to her.
I am not a joke thief.
Hand her the phone
OK… It is handed
Hello?
hi
Is this *******?
oh hi, it's ****
Are you ready for your joke?
yes
"hi, my name is ****. I was worried I was too emotionally remote so I bought a book. It was called "How to Hug". I was so angry when I discovered it was Volume VI of the Oxford English Dictionary.
Okay... **** has handed the phone back to me in confusion.
I have a better one for her. Designed to destroy.
Okay. Bracing.
Give her the phone.
hi, I'm back
Roses are grey Violets are grey Tulips are grey Cause I am a dog.
👍
okay. That killed. She handed phone back. That, I believe, is your son's favorite joke.
Yep. That's why I thought it would be good for your daughter.
On stand-up
5/14/2016, 12:21 PM
Hey, Geoff, it's Norm. What's happening?
Hey there. So when are you in Boston and when are you leaving?
Leaving tomorrow evening. I'm getting into Boston just before the show. Wanna get together tomorrow. You don't want to go to the show, do you?
I'd love to see the show. If I come to the late one, you want to hang out after. Or is that too late? I would also be fine with tomorrow.
Do you fly out tomorrow or drive somewhere.
You are certainly invited and welcome here tomorrow. Just don't know what's convenient for you. We could go see thoreau's grave.
I would just be too nervous tonight for you see me but how about after the show. Snd, then, yes, tomorrow would be fun.
But maybe you have no interest in seeing me tonight without seeing the show.
Or maybe you would not be interested in seeing me without seeing the stand-up.
Can I see the show or would you rather not? If not, I'm fine with tomorrow.
Or maybe you would go see the stand-up without telling me.
On this story
7/19/2016, 9:17 AM
Hey. At one point you told me Dylan’s name is spelled Dillon. That’s not true. Did I misunderstand or were you just saying you didn’t name him after Bob?
7/19/2016, 1:34 PM
No, his name is Dylan. I don’t know why you thought the other. Named after Dylan Thomas because my dad would read me, “A Child’s Christmas in Wales” every year. Had never heard that as a first name and thought he’d have a unique one. Everyone was named Dylan. Found out it was because there was a character on 90120 named Dylan.
8/9/2016, 11:16 AM
Won’t I look like a dick suggesting  guys who like me to you. I think you must have prompted that but it’s not there.
8/9/2016, 11:19 AM
No response now, huh?
8/9/2016, 11:25 AM
I was down at the dock… Fishing.
No, I think it probably wouldn’t surprise anyone that you would suggest I talk with them.
That’s sort of normal.
The last thing that profile should do is make you look like a dick.

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