Hate speech is all over the Internet. Fueled by trolls, extremists, false information and a group mentality, this kind of cruelty against a religion, ethnicity, sexual identity, gender, race — or anything, really — has reached a fever pitch. And while some kids will be attacked, and some may be swept up in the powerful rhetoric, most kids will at some point face everyday, casual exposure. Just by playing a game on the Internet, looking up a definition, or listening to music, they’ll encounter vile and offensive words and images.

The intensity of these ideas, the frequency with which kids see them and the acceptance by so many that it’s just part of life with the Internet make it critical to talk to kids about this difficult topic. They’ll be much better equipped to handle whatever comes their way when they understand what hate speech is and why it’s hurtful, what to do when they encounter it, and what to do if they’re drawn to it.

Hate speech is legal under the First Amendment — unless it specifically targets someone, includes threats and harassment, or creates a hostile environment (such as at school or work). But the line between what’s okay and what’s unacceptable, particularly online, is still very much up for debate. On one side are mainstream sites such as Instagram, Twitter and YouTube, that are trying to walk the tightrope between freedom of expression and decorum. Their unsuccessful attempts to tamp down the hateful rhetoric on their platforms have sent a mixed message. Are tech companies really that dedicated to free speech, or do they just want more users? On the other side are fringe sites such as Gab and 4chan, whose no-holds-barred forums test the boundaries of free speech — which the companies defend as fiercely as their offensive views.

Let’s be clear: The Internet didn’t create hate speech. The Internet (and specifically social media) simply provides a place for people to express themselves. But the idea that exposure to hateful ideas is a necessary result of protecting free speech doesn’t account for the role the Internet itself plays in the perpetuation of hate. The online world is rife with false information, which is easily created, easily distributed and easily believed by those who want their own hateful ideas confirmed. And remember, tech companies profit off connecting and engaging people — and nothing gets people going like inflammatory ideas.

Somewhere in this mix are your kids, who are stumbling into confusing and scary online spaces. We can’t — and shouldn’t — rely on the tech companies to figure out how to monitor this stuff. We don’t have that much time, and they have too much skin in the game. Ultimately, the best protection involves sharing your own family’s values — around compassion and tolerance, appropriate communication, and empathy toward others.

Here are some topics to discuss with your kids, and suggestions on how to help them handle hate speech.

Conversation starters

What is hate speech? Look up the definition and talk about whether your kids have encountered it. It may have been just a word, or it may have been in a video or a meme. How can you tell if someone is trying to be funny or their words are intended to hurt?

How does hate speech affect people? How would you feel if you were a member of the group targeted by cruel language? Does it matter if you’re exposed to it a lot or a little? Are people with different social statuses — for example, a popular kid vs. a loner — affected differently?

What’s the difference between hate speech and cyberbullying? If someone is trying to hurt someone, or knows that they’re hurting someone, and does it repeatedly online, that’s cyberbullying. When someone expresses vicious views about a group or toward an attribute of a group, that’s hate speech.

What’s your role in online hate speech? Do you feel safe calling out the person or people using hate speech? Would it make you feel cooler to do that, or would it make you feel uncool — like you’re not part of the group? Would you block people who are using hate speech? Would you ignore them? Would you stand up for the person or group of people being targeted?

How far does the right to free speech go? Is there a clear boundary between free speech and hate speech? What is it? Should people have the right to say and do whatever they want online? If people's feelings are hurt or they're offended, they can just go on a different site, right?

Does hate speech lead to hate crimes? Convicted killer Dylann Roof, accused murderer Robert Bowers, and others accused of hate crimes left clues to their views online. Should there be a place for people with extremist leanings to gather and share their ideas online, even if they’re offensive and threatening? Or not?

What responsibility — if any — do technology platforms have? Should Instagram, for example, be held accountable to victims of hate crimes committed by users who posted hate content? Should they try to bring people together, either through dedicated spaces, new algorithms or other methods?

Why are certain people attracted to hate groups? It’s natural for tweens and teens to want to join groups, and sometimes groups devoted to hurting others make certain kids feel more powerful. Kids who have pent-up anger or insecurity about other things in their lives may be attracted to groups that feel protective and united. Can you imagine why someone might be swayed by hateful rhetoric?

Ways to manage hate speech

Report it. Hate speech violates most sites' terms of service. You can report people without their knowing that you’re the one who turned them in.

Block it. You can block people who use hate speech, but this can be tricky socially for some kids.

Don’t share it. Forwarding any form of hate speech is wrong — but it can also get you into trouble because it can be traced back to you.

Call it out. If your kids feel confident enough to confront the hate speech poster without fear of attack, then they should do it.

Fight it. Nurture the values of empathy and compassion in your kids. Challenge them to consider how other people feel and how they would want to be treated.

Read age-appropriate news and books, from reputable sources. Try these best news sources for kids. Hate often stems from ignorance. Age-appropriate media can help kids learn about history and people’s struggles in terms that they can understand and relate to. Try Common Sense Media’s lists of Books About the Holocaust, Books About Racism and Social Justice, and Books That Promote Tolerance and Diversity.

Caroline Knorr is Common Sense Media’s parenting editor. This piece first ran at CommonSensemedia.org.

Follow On Parenting on Facebook for more essays, news and updates, and join our discussion group here to talk about parenting and balancing a career. You can sign up here for our weekly newsletter.

More reading: