After last week’s champagne crisis, what absurdity would Monday night’s episode of “The Bachelor” bring? That depends on how much you care about correct English pronunciation.

But first, a serious interlude. The episode opens with Peter taking Victoria P. on a one-on-one date, first to pick out cowboy boots, then to break them in while line-dancing. Afterward, in their dinner without food, Peter asks her to go deeper. This is usually the moment when contestants are expected to sum up their life’s greatest trauma to create instant intimacy, and sometimes those sad stories are really quite minor. Victoria’s, however, is truly difficult. She tells Peter about how her dad died when she was young, and her mother and sister struggled with drug addiction. Sometimes Victoria and her sister had only a potato to split for dinner, she tells him. Peter reacts kindly, and throughout this episode their bond seems to deepen.

However, this episode isn’t all childhood trauma. First, dictionary trauma.

Weirdest moment

Look. We don’t expect “Bachelor” contestants — a mélange of pageant queens, Instagram influencers and flight attendants — to be poets laureate. Their vocabularies are not as vast as their wardrobes, and that’s okay: You don’t need to be a woman of many words beyond “I think I’m falling for you” and “open and honest” to succeed on this show. (You might, however, need to know some complex math, as per episode one.)

However, when two contestants, Hannah Ann and Kiarra, used some, well, nonstandard pronunciations of common words in their narration of this episode, it was thrilling. Like when President George W. Bush said “nu-kyoo-lur” and “misunderestimated,” or President Trump tweeted about “unpresidented” acts. But two ridiculous new words in one episode, what a gift! We humbly offer up these Merriam-Webster definitions.


LIN·​ger·​rea; lingery, as pronounced by Kiarra


1. Silky, lacy pajamas one wears for a televised pillow fight, according to Kiarra.

“The producers told Demi to wake everyone up by hitting them in the face with pillows, and then distribute the lingerie they would wear to the pillow-fight group date.”

2. A branding opportunity for failed “Bachelor” contestants post-show.

“She does spon-con for lingerie and those hair gummy vitamins after Peter kicked her off in the third episode, before anyone could even remember her name.”


Archaic: When a “Bachelor” contestant is lurking around Peter, hoping to get time with him.

“I know she wants to steal him for a second, but she’s just being so lingerie.”

History and Etymology for lingerie

French, from Middle French, from linge (linen), but who cares, it’s not like being smart gets you any points in this mansion, does it? Better keep your head down and have another drink, sweetheart. Don’t worry, you’ll get time with him soon enough. Just try being a little more lingerie.



Plural finascoes also finaschi


A complete failure; a disaster

“Every season of this godforsaken show is a finasco.”

Noun (2)

A champagne crisis.

Hannah Ann: “After the finasco of the champagne-stealing incident ... you were saying that I was fake. You were saying something about a princess comment.”

History and Etymology for finasco

Noun: French, from Italian, from fare fiasco, literally, to make a huge attention-stealing scene, or a princess comment.

Synonyms: Debacle (pronounced “deb-ack-lee”), shambles (pronounced “sham-BLEEs”), castastlophy, blundler, clalamlitly, cnatlaclysmn, farce.

Best moment

As much as every season is teased as the most dramatic or surprising one yet, throughout those 10 episodes, most of what we see is routine. Generally, snitches (or truth-tellers) do not get rewarded — they get sent home. Monday night, however, we get a slight break from that tradition. During the after-party for the pillow-fight date, Sydney tells Peter that Alayah seems to become a different person whenever the cameras are around. First of all, that’s sort of what this show is about. Second, whoa, girl, tread carefully.

After an awkward moment where Peter asks Sydney to bring her issue with Alayah to the entire group date, he ends up giving the group-date rose ... to Sydney. Seasoned viewers would expect Sydney to get the boot, not be rewarded. Peter, in appreciation for this incredibly reasonable move, we’d like to offer you a rose. Hold onto it as the rest of this season unfolds.

Worst moment

The producers really must be desperate, because the Alayah madness drags on for the rest of the show. Peter gloomily shows up for a pool party at the mansion and informs everyone he’s not really that excited to be there because of all the drama. Exactly zero people get in the water as Peter grills various women about Alayah’s real motives. Lexi diplomatically points out that “Everyone turns it on a bit for the cameras,” but also adds that Alayah’s voice goes up five octaves whenever she’s being filmed.

Then Victoria P. drops another bombshell: Not only does she claim Alayah appeared “really open to all the opportunities that will come after this, even if you weren’t her husband” (translation: all the Instagram spon-con), but she and Alayah know each other from the pageant world. She was Miss Louisiana and Alayah was Miss Texas, but Alayah said they should pretend to be strangers.

Peter is truly taken aback by this potential treachery and deception. He pulls Alayah aside, who admits that yes, she did advise Victoria P. that they should keep their association buried — she was worried it wouldn’t turn out well for either of them if the producers knew. Alayah insists she’s a good and honest person, but Peter isn’t having it. “Maybe you’ve been a little manipulative toward some of the other women?” he asks. He grows increasingly anxious, as he’s attracted to Alayah but is worried about her possible lies. “My heart says one thing but my head is screaming ‘stop it,’ ” he says desperately. “I just don’t want to make the wrong decision and be fooled.”

Then host Chris Harrison arrives to announce that Peter was so “emotional” and “confused” after all of this that he has bailed on the pool party. It all culminates in one seriously awkward and sweaty rose ceremony; with two roses left to distribute, Peter has another meltdown and walks away. He just doesn’t know what to do about Alayah. Finally, he goes back out with Harrison, who dramatically takes away one of the roses. Peter give his final rose to … Mykenna. “I’m sorry,” he whispers to Alayah, who is near tears. “This was not easy for me at all.”

Alayah is devastated that she was cut loose. She blames Victoria P. more than anyone. “It just sucks that I’m going out because of other people’s opinions and not what he saw directly from me. That’s the hardest part,” she says, while rocking an admittedly amazing jumpsuit. She sighs. “I guess I’ll always wonder if the rose Chris took away was for me.”

Not to worry. The previews for next week show that Alayah will be back.