The Washington Post

Carolyn Hax Valentine’s Day advice: Should she text him?

Carolyn Hax held a live chat with readers Thursday and took their relationship and Valentine’s Day related questions. The following is just one of the many love dilemmas she tackled. Read what Carolyn and other readers had to say about it, then tell us what you think in the comments section.


“What's your take on a guy I've been on 5+ dates with (so not super serious yet), who completely goes AWOL at the first mention of Valentine's Day? I asked if he wanted to go out to dinner tonight; three days later, he still has not responded to my message about V-Day but has texted about random other things. I guess he figures we aren't "there" yet, which is fine, but so irritating-- it's not like I asked him to marry me. - DC”

Carolyn Hax:

I’ve got a strictly wait-and-see take on this. It could be nothing; it could be that his being spooked by a silly holiday will turn out to have been the first sign that even his issues have issues; and it could be something in between. Let the V-Day thing pass without comment and see what else he has to say for himself over time.

Reader responses:

- “If she was inviting him out to dinner and expected to pay, she deserves an answer. If she was just suggesting an activity for Valentine’s Day, she deserves a response of some kind, even if it’s him saying it’s too soon and that would make him uncomfortable. Maybe he’s a bad communicator, but this is something she needs to know earlier rather than later.”

-“I’ve found that if you don’t set yourself up for any expectation on emotionally charged days or holidays, you are very rarely disappointed. (I’m not an Eyore type person, I am a very positive person.) I have been pleasantly surprised on many occasions. I think she got her answer already about Valentine’s day. It’s been 5 dates (!) so I’m not sure they are in “Valentine” territory yet.”

- “Maybe he’s seeing other people. Have you had an exclusivity talk? It sounds like a new enough thing that it doesn’t make sense to assume.”

- “Far be it from me to suggest giving this holiday more weight than it deserves, but what’s wrong with a direct question? He’s been texting you about other stuff. Why not a direct (call or conversation, I think, but it’s up to you): What’s the deal with ignoring my suggestion for dinner on V-day? Better yet, what about, “So you don’t seem to be interested in going out on Valentine’s Day. Want to grab dinner on Friday?” Ignoring the text is, to me, a subject for separate conversation-- not a mature way to handle conflict.”

- “It was rude of him not to respond, but he might just be aware that V-Day is the most hellish day in the calendar to go out to dinner. Restaurants are packed, backed up, and very rarely get it right, whether it’s because of the extra load, or they let all the experienced staff take the evening off, or what, but it’s the reason we haven’t been out for a V-day dinner for 20-some years.”

Carolyn Hax:

So, it's an (un) important thing that must (not) be addressed. We good?

Should the letter writer text him? Take the poll


Carolyn Hax forum

Carolyn's Recent Columns

Past Carolyn Hax Discussions



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