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Dear Carolyn: My fiance's friend needed a place to stay for a night and I said okay as long as his girlfriend didn't stay. She is a miserable person who does nothing but complain about her life, and they fight all the time.
He stayed one night, and it was okay.
The next week he and his girlfriend stayed a night, which I was very unhappy about. Then two days later my fiance brings the friend over and tells me he needs a place to stay for two months, and my fiance told him yes without even asking me.
He slept on our couch last night and I couldn't even sit in my living room to read or watch TV. Anytime I wanted to get up to go to the kitchen, I had to get fully dressed. When he uses dishes, he just leaves them for me to wash.
I'm sure it's only a matter of time before the girlfriend is staying here.
I told my fiance I don't want him here and he got mad at me. What should I do?
K.: Move out, call off the engagement, call yourself lucky he pulled this stunt before you married him. No joke.
There are a lot of problems couples can fix, but they all require listening to each other, caring about each other, and showing respect for each other.
You can’t fix someone who is openly inconsiderate of you and then “got mad at” you for it.
If anything, I am underplaying this. Save yourself. Get through the most painful part of this life upheaval by reminding yourself how much worse it was going to get, living with someone who treats you as if you don’t exist.
By the way, for next time: There’s no “it’s only a matter of time before the girlfriend is staying here.” Your power is in your ability to say no: No, she can’t stay here; no, I won’t live here if she’s moving in; no, I won’t marry or live with someone who makes decisions for me. Never throw your power away.
Hi, Carolyn: Some weeks ago, my husband saw that a musical group we enjoy was playing at a nearby venue. My dear friend, with whom we have shared many music (and other) events, said she would like to go, and she would get a girlfriend to go with her. She asked us to get two for her and she would pay us back.
The week before the concert, I reminded her of the date. The day before the concert, I texted her to make travel arrangements. I didn't hear back.
The day of the concert, friend texted that she had been sick all week and wouldn't be able to go to the concert.
Who should pay for the two tickets? The subsequent communication between my friend and me was rather upsetting.
S.: Your friend pays. Clearly. Though if she refuses, there isn’t much you can do besides eat the cost and rethink the friend.
One possible friendship-saver — since this sour note is apparently an exception? — is for you to tell her you’ve got this and she can buy the tickets for the next time you all go out.