Did you see that young conservative Republicans are advising their elders in the party that to capture the young adult vote it is not necessary to modernize their grumpy old-white-man positions on matters like abortion, immigration, gay marriage or gun control? All they have to do, counseled the youths, is to seem hipper about it all through the use of humor, which is the universal, ironic lexicon of disaffected millennials.

What a brilliant idea! Abortion humor!

Inasmuch as Republicans are not renowned as masters of the comedic arts, I’d like to help them out a little. They can have these conservative-leaning jokes for free.

Q: How many illegal immigrants does it take to replace a light bulb?

A: Only one, but that’s one light bulb-replacement job he’s taking from a genuine American!

(By Eric Shansby)

Q: How many Pentecostal ministers does it take to officiate at a same-sex wedding?

A: Two. One to perform the ceremony and one to pray for their miserable, hell-bound souls!

Q: Did you hear about the game show that’s popular among pre-born citizens?

A: Yes, “Womb Do You Trust?” (Not Democrats!)

Q: How can you spot the liberal at a gun show?

A: He’s the dummy trying to load the Ruger Mark III .22 semiautomatic pistol with hollow-point high-velocity rounds without first engaging the magazine release button!

Q: What does a bad guy with a gun at a shopping mall say to a good guy with a gun at a shopping mall?

A: “Darn you for plugging me in the gut before I got to kill that nun!”

Q: What did God say when he heard the couple in the gay wedding say, “I do”?

A: “I know you do, which is why I hate you.”

Q: What’s an acceptable use of weapons of mass destruction?

A: Nuclear pro-life-eration!

Q: Why did the liberal woman wait until the third trimester before trying to get an abortion?

A: Because it took that long for the ultrasound to confirm that her baby would be born without a fully developed left pinkie toe!

“So, this abortion doctor is in Heaven. That’s it! That’s the joke! I mean, can you imagine?”

Being an abortion doctor must be very stress-free.

What’s the worst that can happen if he screws up? The baby lives? Okay, yes, the mom could die. But doesn’t she sort of have it coming??

Abortion clinics are becoming so common, they’re almost like Starbucks! It is neat that you get your tenth one free, though!

That’s it, conservative Republicans. My gift to you. Oh, one other thing the young Republicans told you was that your candidates, by and large, have been too liberal. Use that one, too. It’ll bring down the house.

E-mail Gene at weingarten@washpost.com. Find chats and updates at washingtonpost.com/magazine.

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