Losing part of one’s skeleton in such a dramatic manner caused me to contemplate mortality, which caused me to consider how my experiences at this end of life might benefit you, the younger reader. Tips for coping with old age:
Don’t ever look up a recent photograph of your high school flame. More important, pray that he or she never looks you up.
Don’t ever look at your skin with a magnifying glass.
Don’t ever allow yourself to wonder, even for an instant, whether a good poop is better than good sex.
Do not ever calculate your molar-to-crown ratio.
Cross “sleep with Sophia Loren” off your bucket list. Even at 84, she’s still way out of your league.
Don’t come straggling into the office one morning muttering, “First, gout. Now ague, biliousness, lumbago, Saint Vitus’s dance and dropsy. What’s next, apoplexy?”
Don’t lift with your back. Or your legs, for that matter. Lift with some danged pulley system involving fulcrums and levers and inclined planes, or, better yet, just hire some dumb lunk.
If you are a man, don’t fight baldness! Embrace it — a lot of hot movie stars are bald. Unless, of course, you aren’t black, in which case you’ll look just like Elmer Fudd or Joe Garagiola. Embrace that, too, I suppose.
Never update your Facebook photo — even if you actually know how.
Never ask anyone “Who are you?” in case it’s someone you owe money to, or your daughter.
If you are walking out of the house and realize you are not wearing pants, don’t just assume it is a dream. Check.
No need to sign text messages: The phone says who sent it.
Before you go into the next room, always write down why you are going into the next room.
Always adopt a pet identical to the departed one. That way people will think you are younger because a pet can’t be that old.
You know how sometimes you put something down in an unusual place and think, “I’m never going to remember where this is”? You’re right, you won’t. Put everything on the toilet seat.
No more noogies. Face it, once and for all: Nobody likes them.
Stop yelling at people to get off your lawn. You live in an apartment building, for crying out loud.
Don’t say “For crying out loud” every time you complain about something.
Pick an attractive pharmacist. This is the only person you will be seeing a lot of.
After their 12th birthdays, your grandchildren will no longer think your thumb is their nose. So just cut it out.
Never dance like no one is watching. Actually, never dance.
When you have had a tooth removed, don’t ever allow yourself to even consider just leaving the gap rather than spending $3,000 for an implant, because you can’t take it with you.
Thanks to: Kathleen Giotta Delano, Robert Schechter, Terri Berg Smith, Rob Cohen, Jon Ketzner, Thor Rudebeck, Neal Starkman, Annie Lincoln, Robyn Carlson, Bruce Alter, and David Kleinbard.
For stories, features such as Date Lab, @Work Advice and more, visit WP Magazine.