W oman’s voice: I nternal Revenue Service. How can I help you?

Me: I am calling because I just got a letter from the IRS saying I never filed my 2014 tax return and that the government is going to begin “enforcement action” that could result in your “seizing” my “wages or property.” The letter urged me to call this number immediately to straighten this out. Before you picked up, I had been on hold for 37 minutes.

IRS woman: Yes, everyone tells me how long a wait they had!

Me: I’m not complaining about that. I’m complaining about your letter.

IRS woman: I understand. Unfortunately, you appear to have filed under a different entity, and that is handled by another department. I will have to transfer you.

(Illustration by Eric Shansby)

Me: I don’t know what that means. I am only one entity. And I don’t want to wait on hold for another 37 minutes!

IRS woman: [Laughs.] No, hopefully because this is an in-house transfer, it won’t be that long!

Click.

Robot voice: Thank you for calling the Internal Revenue Service. We estimate your wait time to be between 30 minutes and an hour.

Zzz.

Man’s voice: Internal Revenue Service. How can I help you?

Me: I have been waiting on hold for you for 44 minutes, after previously being on hold for 37 minutes at the number I was given to call, only it was wrong.

IRS man: Yes, everyone complains about that.

Me: I’m not complaining about that. I am complaining about the threatening letter the IRS sent me saying I didn’t file my 2014 taxes, which is wrong. I did.

IRS man: Let me check into this. I am going to have to put you on hold for five to seven minutes.

Zzz.

IRS man: The return is missing.

Me: My accountant sent it in as an e-file in March. He has the record.

IRS man: Let me check. I’m going to put you on hold for three minutes.

Zzz.

IRS man: I see the IRS sent you a notice on Oct. 20 that we didn’t have your return.

Me: Actually this letter is dated Nov. 6, and besides, it is wrong.

IRS man: Can I place you on hold for one minute?

Zzz.

IRS man: Okay, it looks like you’ll have to mail it in again.

Me: AHA! SO YOU ADMIT I DID FILE IT!!

IRS man: On April 6, the computer thought we had it, but now it doesn’t. It is no longer the case that we have it.

Me: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

IRS man: It means you should file it again. Tell your accountant to file it by paper as an 1120 C, unless he wants to file it as an 1120 S, but then he would have to first file a 2553 for permission to file a 1120 S.

Me: I just want you to know that I do not hate you. My father was an IRS agent, so I cannot hate you.

IRS man: Good. Have a nice day.

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