This column is addressed to members of QAnon, the group of uber-patriot citizens who literally believe that they are the last line of defense against a cabal of satanic, cannibalistic pedophile Democrats intent on placing America under the thrall of Stalinist socialism. QAnon finds its evidence in complex coded messages divined from social media, messages attributed to a shadowy “highly placed government official” well versed in the five-dimensional chess moves of their leader, Donald Trump, whose secret mission is to find all those Democratic child molesters and imprison or execute them, even if in doing so, as a smokescreen, Trump might seem to be a witless, bigoted imbecile. That’s all part of the plan, which ends with his leaping back into power after President Biden is deposed, jailed or executed.

QAnon guys, it’s been a rough time for you. Turns out that many of the revelations you have wagered your lives on were transparent nonsense, despite your exhaustive research involving Internet memes. Example: There was no pizza-place basement dungeon for children because it turns out there was no basement, no dungeon and no children — just pizza, and related garnishes such as anchovies. Also: Pope Francis was not arrested, as you predicted he would be, on felony charges. And Trump was going to hold a military parade that “would never be forgotten.” No such parade happened. And oh yeah: Trump didn’t win in a landslide. Nonetheless, you guys persisted, becoming a major force behind the glorious storming of the Capitol, which resulted in some of you being arrested because, proud of your genius, you posted your treason on social media.

In short, a bad time. But I come bearing good news. Your movement might be dead, but there is a place for you to go. It is WAnon, because W is even farther to the right than Q on your sacred canvas, the computer keyboard.

I have been monitoring WAnon and can tell you what’s up.

Where to begin? At the end. Examine the very last public words uttered by Donald Trump as president in a long, windy self-congratulatory speech, where he has encoded his marching orders. Note that Trump did not say “God Bless America,” as most pols do. He said, “Thank you.” What did he mean?

If you convert the letters T-H-A-N-K Y-O-U into numbers on a phone keypad and enter those numbers on Twitter, you find @84265968! A phone number? No! Too many digits. This person hasn’t tweeted since 2011, but ... his last tweet was “Although this is my final goodbye, remember that I am never far away.”

Feel that little thrill tickle up your thigh, former QAnonners? He is gone but still here.

We’re obviously on the right track! Now look at that account’s username on Twitter. Normally you would find a username like “George” or “Rebecca112.” Not in this case! It’s another number: 6424235, which is a phone number. It’s the 800 customer-care phone number for Michaels, a crafts store whose main competitor is Hobby Lobby, that righteous, God-fearing patriot store that courageously won the right to deny its female employees insurance for birth control because birth control is evil!

IS TRUMP TELLING YOU TO MARCH ON MICHAELS STORES WITH TORCHES AND PITCHFORKS? He is not. At least not yet. He is way craftier than that, even if he writes “hamberders” and “covfefe.” He is telling you to look deeper. Check out Michaels. Its CEO is “Ashley Buchanan,” whoever she is.

Wait. If you search images of Ashley Buchanan you will discover … it’s a guy.

Isn’t that a girl’s name? What’s it mean?

It’s pretty obvious. What male national leader has a girl’s name? Xi Jinping. Xi is pronounced “She”! She Jinping. Trump is a genius. He wants you to act against Xi. But how?

That’s not the right question. Not yet. Trump needs to know the time is right. Now you need to signal the Dear Leader that you have received his message and are standing down, but standing by. But how? HE HAS TOLD YOU, DUMMY. He wants you to open your eyes! How do you do that? With cyclopentolate eye drops, the stuff your eye doctor uses to dilate pupils. Cyclopentolate is one step away from cyclops, the one-eyed monster. Who is the one-eyed monster, to Trump? It is Dan Crenshaw, the Republican congressman who was a Trump ally until, after the Capitol siege, he became a fierce Trump critic. He wears a patch over his right eye, which he lost in combat.

Does Trump want you to stave in an eye? Hardly. He wants you to IMPROVE an eye, to humiliate Crenshaw. He wants you to wear a monocle, in your right eye. Eventually monocle-wearing will become so evident and publicized it will get back to Trump, who will see we are with him and issue new encoded orders.

You think this is unhinged? Consider this: The best monocles are made in … China. Whoa!

Moron this as it develops.

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