Squirt Reddi-wip straight from the can into your mouth.
Rack up “steps “ on your Fitbit by waving your arm around while you lie on the couch.
Put the milk jug back in the refrigerator with only 1 milliliter of liquid left in it.
Put almond “milk” in your coffee.
Take a penny but don’t leave one.
Ketchup on prime rib.
Rebroadcast baseball games with only implied oral consent from Major League Baseball.
Steal third with a seven-run lead in the eighth inning. Or better, bunt to break up a perfect game.
Get seated in a restaurant, then take off your shirt and shoes, and refuse to leave.
Pick your friend’s nose.
If you are over 50, trust a fart.
Measure once, cut twice.
Use apostrophes while pluralizing word’s.
Tell someone they’re in your thoughts and prayers but don’t think of them or pray for them.
Put on a sock and a shoe, and then the other sock and shoe.
Text “Love you” instead of “I love you.”
Go to confession and falsely confess to genocide, just to give the priest fits.
If that thang lasts longer than four hours, do not tell your doctor.
Wear dirty, holey underwear, then drive recklessly.
Shampoo and rinse, but don’t repeat.
Refer to him as “Bill” Shakespeare.
Sign below the dotted line.
Go into a ladies’ room and leave all the seats up.
Microwave a mackerel in the office break room.
Pay only $749 in taxes.
Thanks to Steve McClemons, Melissa Balmain, Iain I. Walker, Gordon Achtermann, D.L. Thurston, Randy Lee, Jon Ketzner, Claire Keeler, Tom Logan, Tom Rowe, Frank Kohn, April Musser Brand, Sandy Riccardi and Kathleen Delano. Email Gene Weingarten at email@example.com. Find chats and updates at washingtonpost.com/magazine.
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