I’ve often lamented the shortening of the attention spans of young people — a symptom, as I see it, of the insidious dumbing-down of America. So it did not surprise me at all to learn that the creator of the ultimate attention-span assassin, the Summly text-summarizing smartphone app, is a lad of 17.
Yahoo last month purchased Summly from Nick D’Aloisio for the reported sum of $30 million. (One of Nick’s financial backers is a man named, I swear, “Li Ka-shing.”)
Young Nick has bragged that Summly can efficiently tell any story — any text, of any length or complexity — in 400 characters or fewer. This whole concept appalls me, but if there are millions of dollars out there for this sort of thing, I’m happy to jump in the game. Yoo-hoo, Yahoo: I can provide summaries of long things in 139 characters — even less than a tweet. And mine rhyme.
The U.S. Constitution
We get all these civil rights!
Blacks are worth 3/5 of whites!
(Oh, wait. We got that fixed.)
Let’s just cut to the chase, I guess:
Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes.
The entire Sunday New York Times
Corruption, intrigue, crime and disease,
Plus recipes with Camembert cheese.
Any city magazine
Politics, profiles, woman-kills-lover
(But “50 Best Caterers!” fills up the cover.)
“War and Peace”
It’s great! It’s epic! And to its credit,
No one’s ever actually read it.
The Old Testament
God is angry! God’s remote!
Do his bidding or be smote.
The daily newspaper comics pages
Old gags — some just kinda lame, some very —
… and “Doonesbury.”
Rand Paul’s filibuster
Drone, drone, drone
I’m mad and getting madder
Drone, drone ... done.
(Courtesy, my bladder. )
Any one of my columns
I am cranky, I am old
Underpants? Comedic gold.
For stories, features such as Date Lab, @Work Advice and more, visit WP Magazine.
Follow the Magazine on Twitter.
Like us on Facebook.
E-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org.