(Illustration by Eric Shansby)

I give you here more corny jokes / Retold by me in rhyme. / If these do not amuse you folks, / Not all that sorry, I’m. / So I ask that you just take a seat / And kindly quitcherbitchin’. / Or, if you cannot stanza heat, / Then just vacate the kitchen.

The Fisherman and the Voice

A man of simple mind went out to fish

And in the ice he drilled a great big hole.

With hook and line he sought to catch a dish

To eat that night for supper — maybe sole.

From overhead there came a basso sound:

“No fish are there beneath the ice!” it boomed.

Now terrified, the guy looked sharp around

But saw no man. So, fishing he resumed.

Again that voice, so deep and loud and grave:

“No fish you’ll find beneath the ice, I say!”

The guy was trembling now, no longer brave.

He drop’d down to his knees, as though to pray.

“Are you the Lord?” he asked, too scared to think.

“I’m not,” it roared. “I run this hockey rink.”

Yo Mama So Stinky

Regarding your mom, I’ve a sad diagnosis —

The lady’s afflicted with bad halitosis.

The smell is so foul, sources say, ipse dixit

That even machines try to urge her to fix it.

When she’s in the room, the clocks go out of whack

They no longer ticktock, but instead, they Tic Tac.

The Sainted Sinner

The brothers Finn were rich as sin

But evil as The Beast.

When cancer did the older in

His bro visited the priest:

“I see your church is in the lurch,

The roof’s nearly falling down.

I’ll have it fixed with slate and birch,

The best materials in town!”

“It’s all on me,” Finn said, with glee.

“Why, the walls I’ll even paint!

My only fee? In your eulogy ...

Say my brother was a saint.”

The priest, he let his palm be greased.

Took the bribe — tuck’d it away!

Then wrote a speech for the deceased,

The words he spake on fun’ral day:

“This dead man, Finn, was weak of chin

And still weaker in his soul.

His character was base and thin

He cheated, lied and stole.”

“But with God near, let’s find some cheer

And judge Finn with restraint —

Why, compared to his kid brother here,

He was a &%$*! saint.”

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