Memo to: The National Rifle Association

Re: The recent unpleasantness

I’ve been following your organization’s reactions to unfortunate events in the news, and applaud you for relentlessly staying on message — namely, that firearms are not, and never were, and never will be, the problem, but that even if they were (which they are not) the solution would involve more guns. In line with this, I would like to propose some talking points you might consider over the difficult days and weeks ahead; the key is to expand your argument, proposing gun-intensive solutions to myriad social problems.

(Illustration by Eric Shansby)

Problem: General rudeness in society; bird-flipping; road rage, etc.

Solution: Concealed handgun permits issued at birth to all Americans. With the possibility that everyone, everywhere, is packing, no one will risk being impolite. Inadvertent traffic infractions will go un-remonstrated; whatever our disagreements, we will all be talking to each other with elaborate civility, like characters in a Jane Austen novel.

Problem: Endless, tedious, emotionally draining public debate on gun control that saps time from important issues such as licensing silencers for rocket-propelled grenade launchers.

Solution: Establish, through logic and persuasion, that it is NEVER the appropriate time to discuss gun control. The argument is sound: With the greater incidence of spree-shootings lately, it is increasingly likely that any given week will either be too soon after a shooting — thus unattractively politicizing the issue when it should be time to mourn — or too close to the next shooting, with the same attendant risk.

Problem: American students are performing poorly in math and science.

Solution: Equip all science and math teachers with assault weapons.

Problem: Childhood obesity.

Solution: Introduce Wild West schoolyard “dance” competitions, where students take turns shooting toward each other’s feet.

Problem: Unfair stigmatization of assault weapons as unnecessarily lethal.

Solution: Harness the upside of climate change. “Do YOU want to be without a Kalashnikov when starving Kodiak bears invade America’s cities?”

Problem: The rising cost of litigation.

Solution: Dueling!

Problem: Gridlock in Congress.

Solution: Dueling!

Problem: Gun ownership is not yet enough of a part of the very fabric of The American Experience.

Solution: Replace outdated “Uncle Sam” icon with Yosemite Sam.

Problem: Being social liberals, urban Jewish people work against unrestricted gun rights.

Solution: Replace outdated Uncle Sam icon with Antisemite Sam.

Problem: Lost profit model for news organizations.

Solution: Better monetize obituaries; it’s a proven growing market.

Problem: Continuing bad publicity for the NRA.

Solution: Show a more rational, less uncompromising attitude; agree that the current situation is untenable, and pledge to work together with lawmakers to reduce the proliferation of all weaponry in a sane and responsible way.


Kidding! Kidding! Stick to your guns! It’s worked so far.

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