Today, yet another installment of my Pulitzer Prize-winning coverage of the plight of the beleaguered customer-service representative.
Vaseline ® Intensive Care Products
Me: Hi. I am a compulsive bathroom reader.
Shelley: Okay. ...
Me: Usually, I bring reading material with me, but if the urgency of the moment precludes that, I search for anything available. Recently, therefore, I found myself reading the active ingredients in Vaseline Intensive Care Total Moisture Dry Skin Lotion. Do you happen to have a tube of this around?
Shelley: I do.
Me: Read out the ingredients to me, starting with triethanolamine.
Shelley: Triethanolamine, magnesium aluminum silicate, urea. …
Me: I think we can stop right there, young lady.
Me: Your company puts pee in a product we rub onto our faces.
Shelley: It’s a chemically synthesized ingredient, not derived from animals.
Me: It’s the pee molecule.
Shelley: Let me check.
(Eight minutes pass on hold.)
Shelley: Okay, I grabbed an available brands specialist. We can’t exactly give out what it is. …
Shelley: But we are not putting urine into the product. It’s FDA-approved.
Me: You are putting the FDA-approved pee molecule into your product. If I go to the media, this scandal will be as hot as the heat from a thousand exploding suns. Perhaps we can prevent that by your sending me a lifetime supply of Vaseline Intensive Care Total Moisture Dry Skin Lotion With Pee. I love the product, actually.
Shelley: I don’t think that can be arranged.
Giant ® Strike On Box Matches
Me: Have you ever heard the expression “everything is possible in life except striking a match on a bar of soap”?
Susan: No, sorry.
Me: My father used to say that all the time. He meant it as encouragement to follow my dreams. The problem is, one of my dreams then became striking a match on a bar of soap. It kind of crushed me.
Me: My point is, the expression is out there. It’s even become a Chuck Norris joke on the Web. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. And Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap. Do you see where I am going with this?
Susan: I’m trying.
Me: Well, I think you should advertise your matches as “Giant Matches — You can strike it on a bar of soap.”
Susan: Well, I’m gonna take a shot and say …
Me: That you can’t strike it on a bar of soap?
Susan: Right! It’ll just get soapy!
Me: Here’s the genius of it. It’s not a lie. You can strike it on a bar of soap! You just can’t light it on a bar of soap! But you don’t tell ’em that! And Giant matches will stand for the elusive American dream! And Chuck Norris!
Susan: This is going right to our Creative Team!
Bambú ® Rolling Papers
Me: According to the Commerce Department, many more people buy cigarette rolling papers than buy loose cigarette tobacco for rolling. Do you know why that is?
Sarah: I have no idea.
Me: I’m thinking it must be because people’s store-bought cigarettes keep falling apart, so they fix them with your product. I want to suggest a new ad slogan: “Need a fix? Get Bambú rolling papers.”
Sarah: I have no idea what the customer does with our product. I never smoked a cigarette in my life. I’m 84. I don’t even know the Internet, Google and such.
Me: Wow! And you’re answering the phones at Bambú Rolling Papers Inc.
Sarah: Yep. My children own the company.
Me: And they never told you what people do with the product?