By tradition, outgoing American presidents leave handwritten letters to their successors, in an envelope in the Resolute Desk. These have always been gracious, encouraging, and even conciliatory, especially when the new president defeated the old one. George H.W. Bush’s letter to Bill Clinton, after a particularly contentious campaign, was moving: “Your success now is our country’s success. I am rooting hard for you.”

Donald Trump had indicated he would not leave a note for Joe Biden, but as I write this, just before the inauguration, the White House reveals that he did. They did not disclose what it said. I think I know. Others might speculate on this, but only I can truly channel Trump, since only I possess the requisite degree of infantilism:

“Dear Sleepy Joe, Crazy Joe, Quid Pro Joe, Joe Hidin’, Joe Blow, Joey Baloney, Joseph Corrosive, Skinny Joe Pipsqueak, Jojo Rabbit Poop, Joey Hairplugs, Squinty Joe, Joe the Dumber, Dela-Where-The-Heck Am-I Joe, Ernesto ‘Joe’ Guevara, Joe Zedong, Joe Bidet, Kamala Harris Jr., Joey No-Cojone, Mr. Pale Fail, The Schmoozer Loser, Metamucil Joe, Twenty-Fifth Joemendment, The Senile Implant, Four-Toed-Cane Joey, Coma Joe, Joe Feeb, Joe Dillweed, Hairsniff S. Truman, Joe Doodyhead, Joe Dork, Mister Doctor Jill Biden, Joe Yellow Dentures, Clueless Joe Jackson:

“Congradulations. Melania said I had to right this letter myself in my own handwritting and I have to be nice even though this is the GREATEST FRUD in the History of Human Elections. You are BAD.

“Melania said I have to say you are ‘good,’ but I won’t capitolize it, so you be the judge of what I think. Also I forgot some nicknames up above. You are also Joe JustBidenTimeTillTrumpReturns. And Joe Mama So Fat. You are a FAKE PRESIDENT, and everyone knows it. Suitcases full of ballots, polling places swarmed by ZOMBIES and ghosts, ballots mailed in from Kenya by Obama, people voting 12 times in different costumes with fake noses, believe me the most UNFAIR AND CORRUPT election EVER! I won by 220 million votes, MINNIMUM.

“Okay, Melania says to calm down and she will hand-write the next paragraph. So here she goes:

“Bill, your success now is our country’s success. I am rooting hard for you.”

“Okay, I am back and have calmed down. I don’t want to make this all negative so let me just say in the noble tradition of former Republican presidents who won but got the election stolen from them by Democraps I want to say sincerely that I wish you good luck, which you will really need because your brain rot is so BAD you can SMELL it coming from your ears and you will BE SO NAMBYPAMBY you will put everyone on WELFAIR even Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos who owns the failing Washington Post and the failing Canada.

“Okay, that’s about it. You may have noticed certain problems with your ‘transition’ including that some pens smell funny. Don’t worry about it. I definately did not do anything bad with them, and also your bed. I definitely did not hire any professionals to do anything on them.

“In closing let me note that my signature is bigger than your signature.”

Email Gene Weingarten at gene.weingarten@washpost.com. Find chats and updates at wapo.st/magazine.

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