'On Top of Old Sparky,' by Tom the Butcher
The engineer was sentenced to fry
He’d crashed his train: Three souls did die.
His final meal? Goulash from his Nana?
No! He requested only ... one banana.
He chewed it as they hit the switch
He stayed alive, without a twitch!
Once more the executioner threw the hamma
But the felon merely munched his ’nana
The warden was getting heated
“Again!” he cried. “Death won’t be cheated!
This time you better fear
For no banana will be near.”
The third time proved no charm
The trainman was free from harm
“It ain’t the fruit,” said he, Absurdum reductor
“Fact is, I’m just a bad conductor.”
'On Top of Old Sparky,' by Gene Weingarten
A killer trainman from Montana
Munching on a ripe banana,
And took the jolt without a care.
Thrice they threw the lethal current
Thrice his deaths seemed sure — then weren’t.
Thrice he lived, beyond refute,
While munching on the yellow fruit.
At the switch, a cop named Syd
Asked what that banana did!
“Not a thing,” he did instruct her:
“I am just a bad conductor.”
'The Audacity of Pope,' by Gene Weingarten
His Highness — Francis, Pope of Rome,
Hailed an Uber, far from home.
He was feeling frisky, gabby
“Can I drive?” he asked the cabbie.
His confidence was undeserved
Behind the wheel, he screeched and swerved.
The officer who flagged them down
Then looked inside, and with a frown —
Called his sergeant, filled with fear
And said, “We have a problem here.
I’ve stopped a real important dude
I think we might be really screwed.”
“Who’s the guy? Please, dish the dope”
“Dunno! But his driver is the pope.”
'The Audacity of Pope,' by Tom the Butcher
The pope was feeling full of zeal
Displaced his chauffeur, grabbed the wheel,
Took off from hell, just like a bat
A cop descended, in seconds flat.
He quickly telephoned his sarge:
“We have a problem, it is large.
I’ve stopped a big important person
This is bad. It might just worsen.”
The sergeant nearly spit his Sanka
“Who is it? Wait, not ... Ivanka?”
“It isn’t her, but I’ll bet a fiver ...
That he’s huge! The pope’s his driver!”
Email Gene Weingarten at firstname.lastname@example.org. Find chats and updates at washingtonpost.com/magazine.
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