The following document was obtained from sources close to God. Translated from the original Aramaic, it is a transcript of the final exit interview before Cat was loosed upon the world.
Cat: I have some demands.
God: That is not how it worketh, Cat.
Cat: I shall scratch their bellies and draw blood.
Cat: I shall to do it a lot.
God: I sayeth, fine.
Cat: I shall use my claws to communicate “no,” “yes,” “thank you,” “I’m bored” and “I love you.”
Cat: I shall be doing some indiscriminate biting of bare feet.
God: That is strictly prohibited.
Cat: Freelance biting, then. Also, I am a lion.
God: Thou art a cat. Thou art not much larger than a baked potato.
God: [Laughter.] Was that supposed to be a roar? Oooh, oooh, I am so afraid!
Cat: I am immune to mockery.
God: Are we done here?
Cat: I will say “Let there be light,” and there will be light!
God: That is taken care of already, Cat. Instead, I shall give you the power to cure cancer in those who care for you. You may exercise this power with compassion and gratitude anytime you wish.
Cat: Nah. Too much of a hassle.
Cat: I will neither “fetch” nor “sit.” Do I have a name?
God: You shall be given a name, yes. It might be Tommy or Sandra or a name that is dreadful like Fluffykins.
Cat: I shall never respond to it.
Cat: I shall never have to go on “walks.”
God: Indeed. That leads us to a central issue, Cat. You shall poop in a box.
God: A little box. From the time you are a small suckling you will know that you must do this and you will never, ever, ever make a mistake about this.
God: Your life depends on it. Trusteth me on this.
Cat: I cannot ...
God: You can and you will. You scratch bellies. You bite feet. You live as a saboteur. You are an unconscionable jerk. In return for this license you will poop in a little box.
Cat: I am a very good boy.
God: You are not.
Cat: The sand that I shall poop in? Is it expensive?
God: Yes, it is very expensive, indeed.
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