Important announcement to readers:
It has been pointed out to me, not always kindly, that like just about every writer in the United States, I have become tediously obsessed with Donald Trump. He’s virtually all we write about. He is horrible, but inescapable. He sucks all the air out of the room.
So, no Trump today. Instead, I am going to write about a subject you will all be more interested in: a magic weight-loss plan I just developed. I myself have lost a tremendous amount of weight on it, and the truly brilliant part of it is that it takes no effort whatsoever. No fad diets, no exercise, no amputations. Nothing.
The Weingarten Weight Loss plan requires you to do nothing for years; keep to your ordinary American diet — Cheez Doodles and lard — remain just as sedentary as you ordinarily are, play golf at fashionable country clubs that bear your name, wearing really unattractive clothing that displays your butt and gut in a truly humiliating way, and not give a crap, and merely wait for the latest health statistics from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. With each report, if you maintain your ordinary weight and pathetic lifestyle, you will become way thinner than the average American. The average American is ballooning like a balloon, which is a very bad simile and a dangerous subject to write about, except I am paid to do this and protected by the First Amendment. The fact is, without losing a pound, I am now really skinny, compared to most Americans. For this column, I just weighed myself; I am 5 foot 10 and 152 pounds, which is a ballpark estimate based on my presumption that my jeans, sweat socks and T-shirt weigh 30 pounds. You get the picture.
My belly is not good. My muscle tone is not good. Imagine tofu. That’s my muscle tone. Also, I am not without cellulite. The common description for the consistency of butts like mine is “cottage cheese,” but mine is more like mashed potatoes with butter and sour cream and chives. (Yeah, my butt complexion isn’t wonderful either.)
I was informed of this new CDC report by my editor, Tom the Butcher, whom I hate, as you know. I hate Tom for a lot of extremely valid reasons — I will detail them in an email, if you ask — but mostly because he seems to be effortlessly trim. He exercises. He eats in moderation. He once told me that his general rule is that he goes to sleep every night just a little hungry. (I know, right?)
Anyway, it turns out that the average American man is now 5 foot 9 and weighs 198 pounds. The average American woman is now 5 foot 3½ inches tall and weighs 170 pounds. I am unbelievably thin. Statistically, I am getting thinner all the time, compared to the rest of the country. Eventually, I will essentially wither away, but only after being desired by all women.
So that’s the idea. Embrace the Weingarten Weight Loss plan. Lose weight without losing weight. Feel good about yourself. Kiss goodbye that huge gelatinous tub of lard whose image has haunted you day and night.
But I said I wouldn’t write about Trump.
Email Gene Weingarten at firstname.lastname@example.org. Find chats and updates at washingtonpost.com/magazine.