“Peter Minuit. A lousy dealmaker. Twenty-four bucks for Manhattan? I’d have offered 10, tops, take it or leave it. Believe me, they’d have taken it. People are saying he was a total Walloon, and I believe it.”
“Anne Frank? Please. No one important lives in an attic.”
“Columbus was a total whack job. Didn’t even know where he was when he got here, got rich and lost it all. At least he did it on borrowed money. He must have read my book.”
“Beethoven? I prefer composers who can hear.”
“John Philip Sousa wrote a dumb march for a failing Fake News publication, and then let them use his name for a big fat instrument no one ever plays. The one named after me (the Trumpet) is much more popular.”
“Shakespeare couldn’t even write his own name.”
“Mother Teresa? A three at best.”
“Jesus Christ? Convicted felon, never owned anything, lived on charity. Plus, I prefer deities who don’t get executed.”
“Clara Barton? No sense of style. I like my nurses to wear those cute hats and show a little leg.”
“General Patton — what a loser. Only slapped one or two guys; if it wasn’t for my bone spurs I would have slapped the whole regiment.”
“Jonas Salk, total loser. Invents something important, then gives it away. He said, ‘You can’t patent the sun.’ You probably can. I’m looking into it.”
“All the beautiful real estate in Virginia, like Trump Winery, and dummy Robert E. Lee builds his house in the middle of a cemetery?”
“If George Washington was such a great general, why isn’t England part of the United States?”
“Monty Hall couldn’t make a deal unless it was, like, with a guy in a clown suit holding a purse.”
“If Elvis had had any class, he’d have died on a gold toilet.”
“Adam wasn’t so great. I would have needed a bigger fig leaf.”
“I never liked Teddy Roosevelt. Selfish guy killed all those wild animals in Africa, hardly leaving any for Don and Eric to kill.”
“I supported Ronald Reagan until I realized ‘trickle down’ was about money.”
“Al Capone ... what a putz! He let them see his tax returns!”
“Don Rickles — insulting people one at a time? Too bad you never heard of Twitter.”
“Never liked Einstein. I get lots of calls telling me E doesn’t equal MC squared. But you’re not allowed to say that, I guess.”
“Lassie was a real bitch.”
Thanks to: Marcy Mishkin Alvo, Elaine Lederman, Bob Wolf, Christopher P. Larsen, Joe Neff, Tom Logan, Chuck Salerno, Mike Creveling, Robyn Carlson.
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