DEAR AMY: I had a miscarriage last year around this time. I was in a horrible state at first and then started cheering up, but now I’m starting to feel depressed about it again.
I don’t know if it’s because the anniversary of this miscarriage is coming up or what else it could be, but I don’t know what to do.
Should I tell my family and friends or doctor? I just don’t want to be depressed about it anymore. I have other kids to think about but I just can’t stop thinking about the one I lost. What should I do? -- Feeling Depressed
DEAR DEPRESSED: It is completely understandable that you would experience grief and sadness at this time, especially if you held it together for your children after your miscarriage.
Please, reach out to others, realizing that not all people are capable of responding. Some will try to erase your grief by insisting that you focus on the positive instead of understanding your pain.
Your doctor should understand and will prescribe medication or refer you to a therapist if she believes you are clinically depressed.
For many grieving people, knowing you are not alone is one key to healing. Your hospital will have information about local miscarriage support groups.
Read “I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery,” by Ellen M. DuBois and Linda R. Backman (CreateSpace, 2006).
DEAR AMY: A couple of years ago, because of a falling-out over money we lent to our son, we were told that we were no longer welcome in their lives.
We continued to send monetary gifts to the two grandchildren for birthdays, Christmas and graduation, with no acknowledgment at all.
This year, the day after Christmas we received a phone call from our 18-year-old grandson saying that he’d received our Christmas card but there was nothing inside. He wondered if something had fallen out.
I advised him that nothing was inside but our “good wishes,” explaining that he was an “adult” now.
Because he sounded so pleasant and it was so nice to hear his voice after so long, I chickened out of telling him that we hadn’t sent money because we have never been thanked for previous gifts of money.
We continued with a very pleasant catching-up-with-his-life conversation. Now I am feeling guilty about not sending him any money (although we are still sending it to his younger sister). -- Torn
DEAR TORN: Your gifts and grants of money have caused nothing but trouble in your family, and yet the first thing that occurs to you after you’ve had a decent encounter with a family member is to reward him by sending money.
Can you build upon this encounter without shelling out cold, hard cash?
You have told this young man that he is an “adult.” Now respect him enough to tell the truth so that he might see the connection between his behavior and the consequences.
He needs to understand that if he had picked up the phone to say thank you, he might not have had to pick up the phone to ask, “Did my check fall out of the envelope?”
If he taps into his gratitude, you will be more likely to feel generous in the future. Contact him, be honest and say you’d love to stay in touch.
DEAR AMY: More feedback for “Bah Humbug.” I hope she follows her heart on how to celebrate the holidays next year.
My husband and I radically changed our celebration this year, each observing the season in our own way, and it was just lovely.
The sky didn’t fall. Friends and relatives are still speaking to us, and we’re certainly speaking to one another, smiling, and asking why we didn’t do this sooner.
I suspect that Bah may just discover that, freed from a frantic baking/shopping/wrapping/decorating fiend of a wife full of resentments and expectations, her husband may come through with some heartfelt gestures to observe the season that she will truly appreciate. That’s what happened to us. -- Happy New Year in Virginia
DEAR HAPPY: I’ve heard from many readers who had a serious case of the “Bahs” this year. Thank you for the inspiration to do things differently.
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